Those Tall Tales of Biblical Disasters: Part One

Despite what you might hear in church, or view on Christian websites, the Bible isn’t all about those ten Godly commandments, loving your neighbour, doing onto others, mercy, forgiveness, compassion, truth,  justice and everlasting life. Star Wars aside, there’s a dark side to the Force. Even apart from hell, fire and brimstone and lots of sins and sinning, there’s much death and destruction all around. The Bible is full of tales of disasters that rival anything Mother Nature has conjured up. 

We all tend to love a good disaster story. In films, we have “Atlantis, the Lost Continent”, “The Towering Inferno”; The Poseidon Adventure”; “Earthquake”; “Deep Impact”; “On the Beach”, “Swarm”, “Twister”, “When Worlds Collide”, etc. not to mention more alien invasion films than you can care to mention, far less remember. Surely films about nasty extraterrestrials are an order of magnitude greater than your fingers and toes put together, and when you toss in those nasties that Mother Nature can summon up, well it’s just pure gloom and doom all around. There’s no escape! 

It’s even better when a gloom and doom scenario is based on a real disaster – Pompeii (79), the San Francisco earthquake (1906); the floundering of RMS Titanic (1912), the Hindenburg crash (1937), the SS Andrea Doria sinking (1956), the Asian tsunami (2004), Darwin’s Cyclone Tracy (1974), the Black Plague, and literally thousands of other disasters, from plane crashes and train wrecks, to hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, explosions; you name it – if it causes death and destruction it’s front-page and evening TV news.

Biblical disasters hold special pride of place (there’s even several documentary DVDs devoted to the theme) but first I’d better define what I mean by disaster. If an ant gets hit by a lump of hail, or even several humans wiped out in a car accident, well that’s a disaster for the ant or the humans, but not really a disaster in the larger context of what we think of as a real disaster (so Jonah and the ‘Whale’ isn’t a real disaster come survival against all the odds story). A bona-fide disaster has to inflict major damage and/or loss of life on a reasonably high percentage of the geographical area impacted upon. That ‘geographical area’ could of course be a ship or a plane carrying a relatively large numbers of passengers and crew down to their gloom and doom.  

Now there are disasters contained within the texts of the standard Bible. Some, especially the story of the flood (Genesis), have parallels in many other mythologies. Most are one-offs. I will make no absolute claims for the truth and accuracy, reality or non-reality, of these tall tales; apart from the observation that there are no non-Biblical bona-fide historical references or archaeological confirmations for the lot of them. Instead, they are just to be taken as  ‘riveting’ or as ‘captivating’ as much as the various real and imaginary disaster happenings part and parcel of our modern society that hold the attention of the reading and/or viewing audience.

*We Are Sailing on Noah’s Ark (Genesis)

Fortunately, Captain Noah doesn’t run into any icebergs on his maiden voyage. Disaster lurks elsewhere, and its Noah and crew who get to enact the great escape of all great escapes and survive. Survive what of course is that burst water main that floods everything for a rather long period of time, which is bad news for those 99.999% not on board with Noah as cork or foam-filled life jackets haven’t been invented yet. It is sink or swim time, and those without either life jackets or the timber deck of the Ark to stroll upon end up sinking.

If 99.999% of the world’s human (and non-human) population drowns because of this unprecedented and singular event (that 40 day and night global rainstorm and resulting flood), well that’s got to meet the dictionary definition of a disaster. There’s no evidence for it of course, and an event of this magnitude on a global scale isn’t physically possible in any event, but small-scale floods that can get embellished and blown out of all proportion in the telling and retellings, well that’s a different kettle of fish. But that’s hardly going to put a major dent in the human (and animal) population. Still, if you’re a fan of disaster flicks, this Biblical downpour (or water main burst) has appeal and will float your boat as it were, and no doubt it had appeal to disaster fans way back then. But all up, I suspect this was a minor event that got hyped up out of all proportion from its actual reality (if any). 

*Then there’s Sin City: Sodom & Gomorrah, the Las Vegas of the Era (Genesis)

Genesis 19: 24: Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven.

Good Grief, Charlie Brown! This almost reads as if God was doing a preseason exhibition demonstration as a warm-up to Pompeii!

So what was the reason for this massive exercise in smiting? What exactly pissed the Almighty off? Apparently, among other wickedness, all sorts of unnatural acts (close encounters between the same sex) were enacted.

One question therefore immediately arises, if God was so against unnatural acts, how come He didn’t smite ancient Greece, ruled by those – shock, horror – ‘other gods’? That’s strike one alone. Homosexuality was socially acceptable in Greek society (strike two), not only between consulting adults but between adults and minors as well (strike three). Well maybe God was more than just a tad worried about being thrashed by Zeus and his brothers Poseidon and Hades, and being outnumbered by the Olympians, thought discretion was the better part of valour. 

Maybe God should now smite down the United States and other Christian countries that have given equal rights to their gay communities. Well see that hasn’t happened (much to the disappointment of Christian Fundamentalists) which either tells you something about the reality of God or of God’s alleged wrath against unnatural acts – or maybe God’s too scared to take on the might of the USA, et al. least He get nuked in return.  

In any event, archaeologists and other ancient historians and Biblical scholars haven’t yet been able to turn the Biblical Sodom and Gomorrah into a patch of physical real estate despite apparently knowing where to look (the Dead Sea region). Still, if a disaster via geological forces (i.e. – Pompeii) is your bag; Sodom & Gomorrah fits the fire and brimstone bill. If of course you get away from an Act of God to a Deliberate Act of God (as the Bible says it was), then there’s Hiroshima and Nagasaki (Japan) or Dresden (Germany) as parallels (though whether or not Acts of War qualify as disasters is another issue, but in that context I’ll rule out the Battle of Jericho as a Biblical disaster).       

To be continued…

Biblical Foreign Policy: Make War, Not Love: Part One

When we think of religious fanatics, we think of those long ago times like the Crusades and the Inquisition and those who imposed the doctrines of Christianity by force on non-Christian societies like those in Africa and the Americas. Or, perhaps we think of some modern countries today that have one form or another of religious fundamentalism at the core of their domestic and foreign policies. But surely nations like the United States have not had, and do not have, any such associations, at least at leadership levels. Well, as the 2012 Presidential election campaign rolls on, one has to wonder if that could change.

When it comes to Biblical (God’s) domestic policy, well we all know the basics – the Ten Commandments and all the hundreds of lesser commandments that tell us that ‘thou shall’ or ‘thou shall not’ do this, that and the next thing. Things like what foods to eat and when; the banning of homosexuality; contraception; abortion; and all sorts of other rituals that should be observed like how many ‘Hail Mary’s’ to utter or when to bow and scrape and how low. But unless there literally is a “Big Brother is watching you” scenario, what you do, and with whom, behind closed doors, are of no concern when it comes to the fate of life, the universe and everything.

When it comes to Biblical (God’s) foreign policy, well one now crosses over into the red danger zone. Things aren’t personal issues anymore but national issues. And those national issues have implications above and beyond national borders. Those national issues do indeed have implications for life, the universe and everything. So, pray tell, what’s foreign policy when it comes to Biblical texts – those words of God – or God’s directives when it comes to foreign affairs? In short, it’s ‘shoot first and don’t bother asking questions later’.

Matthew 10:34 (King James Version) “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.”

Do you realise the word diplomacy or diplomatic or negotiation or treaty or compromise does NOT appear anywhere in the King James Version of the Bible? But you do get conflict (twice), warfare (5 times), war (220 times in fact), battle (163 times), destruction (92 times), smite (117 times), smote (220 times), wrath (197 times), destroy (243 occasions), Armageddon (once only), terror or terrors (44 times), murder and variations (37 times), just plain ‘kill’ (118 occasions) and so on. I think you get the general idea that the general theme of Biblical policy and especially foreign policy is when crunch comes to the crunch, it’s “make war, not love”. Thou shall not turn the other cheek but kick the SOB in the ass. If there really was a God, and if God were really around today, I’m sure His advice to any and all Christian leaders, would be, “when in doubt, nuke them”!

Since the start of the 20^th Century there have been many world leaders who have launched invasions of foreign lands without any real rhyme or reason other than power for its own sake, and there have been many world leaders who have initiated a policy of genocide within their own borders. But relatively few world leaders have done both. Saddam Hussein springs to mind, but he was small bickies compared to Adolph Hitler. But who out eclipses even Hitler (or anyone else you care to name over the past 2000+ years) – God, that’s who. The invasion – by His chosen people of the Land of Canaan under His guidance; genocide – well it can’t get much bigger than the flood as related in the Book of Genesis.  

What ‘person’ in authority was first to use biological warfare – germs as a weapon? Just you’re ever-loving God of the Bible, that’s who. There are some 46 references to pestilence in the Bible. Here are just two of them.

*1 Chronicles 21:14: So the LORD sent pestilence upon Israel: and there fell of Israel seventy thousand men.

*Jeremiah 21:6: And I will smite the inhabitants of this city, both man and beast: they shall die of a great pestilence.

Speaking of pestilence and by association plagues, one well-known example of God’s foreign policy was the Ten Plagues inflicted on ancient Egypt, most notably the final one, death to all the Egyptian firstborn, regardless of name, age, sex or rank. So mass murder is definitely one of God’s foreign policy instruments (and that’s God’s story and He’s sticking to it, though fortunately the ancient Egyptians don’t seem to be aware that they were culled).

Since 1945 there have been lots and lots of chin-wagging over and about ‘weapons of mass destruction’. Japan knows about them first hand; they were a major reason for the second Gulf War. But who was the first to actually make and employ weapons of mass destruction? God again, that’s who. Perhaps it will jog your memory if I mention Sodom and Gomorrah, and other nearby cities. In fact, God used a weapon of total destruction, since no trace of these settlements, have ever been found to this day. You can read all the gory details in Genesis chapters 18 & 19, but the Bible keeps on keeping on mentioning them, as if God were patting Himself on the back. Here are two examples.

*2 Peter 2:6: And turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrha into ashes condemned them with an overthrow, making them an ensample unto those that after should live ungodly;

*Jude 1:7: Even as Sodom and Gomorrha, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.

One question immediately arises, if God was so against homosexuality (‘strange flesh’), how come He didn’t smite ancient Greece, ruled by those – shock, horror – ‘other gods’? That’s strike one alone. Homosexuality was socially acceptable in ancient Greek society (strike two), not only between consulting adults but between adults and minors as well (strike three). 

Oh, by the way at least in the case of WWII Japan, the punishment probably fit the crime and ended up in the long run saving lives – that rational hardly applies to Sodom and Gomorrah.

Another household word today on the lips of the great unwashed is ‘terrorism’, least they be next to have to expect the unexpected. So imagine the terror of the great unwashed of long ago caught up unexpectedly in a long-term weather event of 960 straight hours of not just heavy, but torrential rain, and not an umbrella in sight. The great unwashed didn’t stay unwashed for long. It was sink-or-swim time, and nearly everyone sank. The terror of the Big Wet was bought to your local neighbourhood courtesy of God. If you don’t think that deluge would have been terrifying, imagine yourself slipping overboard in mid-ocean off a cruise ship. There you are floundering thousands of miles from dry land, all alone, just you (and maybe some sharks) and the waves. I’d wager you’d be as terrified as those trapped atop the World Trade Centre on 9/11.   

Then there is this little oft quoted gem.

*Matthew 5:44: But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

Love thy enemy? I don’t bloody well think so!

For a prime example that totally contradicts such nonsense, consider Deuteronomy 20:10-17.

*Deuteronomy 20:10: When thou comest nigh unto a city to fight against it, then proclaim peace unto it.

*Deuteronomy 20:11: And it shall be, if it make thee answer of peace, and open unto thee, then it shall be, that all the people that is found therein shall be tributaries unto thee, and they shall serve thee.

*Deuteronomy 20:12: And if it will make no peace with thee, but will make war against thee, then thou shalt besiege it:

*Deuteronomy 20:13: And when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword:

*Deuteronomy 20:14: But the women, and the little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself; and thou shalt eat the spoil of thine enemies, which the LORD thy God hath given thee.

*Deuteronomy 20:15: Thus shalt thou do unto all the cities which are very far off from thee, which are not of the cities of these nations.

*Deuteronomy 20:16: But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth:

*Deuteronomy 20:17: But thou shalt utterly destroy them; namely, the Hittites, and the Amorites, the Canaanites, and the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites; as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee:

The upshot is if your enemy doesn’t want to fight, you have a right to enslave them. If they don’t care for that option and fight, then you invade their territory, put every male to death and have your wicked way with the women and children (and then kill them) and take all else as spoils of war. With that sort of attitude, you really want God on your side! On the other hand, not even Hitler was that barbaric. Love your enemy? That’s just pure bovine fertilizer.

To be continued…