A Biblical Quiz: Part Three

Believing in the reality of Biblical stories is, IMHO akin to accepting the reality of the Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, Grimm’s Fairy Tales, and the Adventures of Superman. Or, perhaps it’s more akin to accepting the reality of that other Holy Trinity – Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy! Next time your local clergy starts shooting off at the mouth about the reality of all things Biblical, the Glory and the Greatness of God, here are a few awkward questions to pose (or perhaps just forward this on to your local place of worship along with a “please explain”).

I’ve said it before but it probably bears repeating that the moment you question the bona-fides of any part of the Bible you have got to question the lot. So here are a few questions of mine which if truth be known could easily be expanded to monograph lengths.

Continued from yesterday’s blog…

TEN COMMANDMENTS REGARDING MURDER: One well known part of Biblical lore are the Ten Commandments issued by God and once such commandment goes something along the line of “Thou shalt not kill”. Yet God kills.

Quiz question: Why does God kill if God says “Thou shalt not kill”?

TEN COMMANDMENTS REGARDING LUST: Another commandment refers to not desiring or coveting thy neighbour’s wife.

Quiz question: Now that’s downright sexist. What about not coveting thy neighbour’s husband? I don’t believe that got a mention anywhere! Why not?

TEN COMMANDMENTS REGARDING PARENTS: Yet still another commandment says that you should honour thy father and thy mother.

Quiz question: Should that commandment apply to those kids who were abused, even sexually abused, or sold into slavery, or had other atrocities fostered upon them by dear old Mum and Dad?

MOSES: You’d think that after all the blood, sweat, tears and sacrifices that Moses made for God as related in Exodus, etc., that God would have at least had the decency to allow Moses to reach and step foot in the Promised Land before dying. No such luck, or rather compassion and consideration from dear old God.

Quiz question: Why was God such an ungrateful SOB to Moses?

JERICHO: One of the few places noted in the Bible that can be pinpointed on the map is Jericho. In fact that location was first settled from around 8000 BCE. Now the Bible tells the rather bizarre story of a six-day ring-around-the-rosy blockade of Jericho by the Israelites followed by a concert and lots of shouting on the seventh day which had the remarkable effect of shattering Jericho’s solid stone defences – and the walls came tumbling down (but the rest of the story that follows isn’t fit viewing for the kids). Now all that took place within a timeframe around 1300-1100 BCE. But, and there’s always that fly-in-the-ointment ‘but’ to contend with. Archaeologists inform those of us willing to listen that Jericho was already in ruins by the period 2400-2300 BCE, probably due to the numerous earthquakes that are part and parcel of the area and sparsely inhabited. There were no walls left to tumble down.

Quiz question: So why is the Biblical version of events akin to smelling of long dead fish? Something indeed is fishy somewhere. 

ARK OF THE COVENANT: There is a certain Biblical relic or artefact known as the ‘Ark of the Covenant’ that features in the Old Testament (41 times). It apparently contains the original Ten Commandments tablets and has certain powers, powers for example demonstrated in the film “[Indiana Jones and the] Raiders of the Lost Ark”. The operative word is “lost”. One would think that such an important and historical Biblical relic wouldn’t be lost. It would be in a museum, or in the Vatican, but it wouldn’t be lost, as in “Atlantis, the Lost Continent”.

Quiz question: Where is the Ark of the Covenant?

HOLY GRAIL: Another holy relic (in fact the holiest of holies) that featured in the film “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”, and equally features in the various King Arthur legends, is something known as the “Holy Grail” which I gather had some connection to Jesus and his last days as in the Last Supper. For some unexplainable reason, this relic gets no mention at all in the Bible, at least under that common phrase. And if such an artefact actually exists, it is equally as lost.

Quiz question: Why isn’t the Holy Grail mentioned by that name in the Bible, and if it exists, where the hell is it?

SAMSON’S HAIRCUT: An astounding fact of human physiology is revealed by the Bible when Hercules wannabe Samson gets a trim and as a result suffers superpower losses like Superman exposed to kryptonite.

Quiz question: Why don’t the medical textbooks mention this relationship between hair length and physical strength?

DAVID: The Almighty is displeased with David, so God kills David’s newborn baby! You gotta love the logic in that!

Quiz question: Should God be compelled to attend an elementary course in bonehead logic?

PSALM 137: Many Biblical poems, etc. have been turned into classical and especially popular music. Psalm 137 is one such poem translated into a popular song – “By the Rivers of Babylon”. Fortunately in the public interest the ending was left out of the song.

Quiz question: If the Bible is all about love and peace and forgiveness and mercy and compassion, all those warm and fuzzy things that derives ultimately from God, why does Psalm 137 ultimately end in pure barbarism?

UNICORNS: The Bible mentions and gives credibility to the existence of the creature commonly referred to as the unicorn (for example Isaiah 34: 7).

Quiz question: If unicorns don’t exist, why does the Bible mention then on several occasions?

DOOMSDAY ACCORDING TO SCHOLARS: Biblical scholars have made intense study of the Bible’s prophesied ‘end of days’ for over 2000 years, and predictions based on their studies and authority have been made, and made again, and again and again and again – hundreds of times over in fact.

Quiz question: Why have their scholarly forecasts or prophecies regarding doomsday resulted in a 100% failure rate?

DOOMSDAY ACCORDING TO JESUS: J.C. told his followers that Armageddon, the ‘second coming’, the ‘end of days’ whatever you care to call it would happen within the lifetime of many to whom he was speaking. He didn’t know the exact time and place, but did know it would happen within a generation or two of his ‘now’.

Quiz question: Why hasn’t Armageddon happened since anyone and everyone who ever saw and heard J.C. has long since been turned dust and become food for the microbes?

QUOTATIONS: The New Testament quotes Jesus many times; the only source I might add. However, the gospels weren’t written until many decades after his demise. There were no tape recorders around in that era, so how can it be that Matthew, Mark, Luke and John (and others) collectively comprise the quotable Jesus?  They weren’t even around back then to interview him!

Quiz question: Can you really believe the accuracy of what Jesus said when his words weren’t recorded down until numerous decades after-the-fact? Should the New Testament quote him at all under such circumstances?

SATAN’S FATE: After all those trials and tribulations part and parcel of Revelation, Satan is defeated, several times over in fact, and as his final punishment is consigned to a lake of fire and sulphur  (brimstone). Since Satan’s natural element is heat, fire and brimstone (remember Hell, anyone), that’s akin to exiling a polar bear to the Artic or condemning a fish to live eternally in water!

Quiz question: Is this the best that God can do? I’m not impressed.

ANSWERS: 1) The Bible is primarily a work of fiction and what little history there is, is embellished and distorted beyond all recognition and hope of recovery. 2) God, the supernatural deity, does not and never has existed.