In the Beginning: The Annotated Supreme Programmer: Part Two

We’re probably all familiar with the mythology of The Creation as outlined in the Book of Genesis: chapters 1 and 2.  But if you believe in a Simulated Universe relative to a Supernatural Universe, here’s an annotated variation on The Creation theme.

Continued from yesterday’s blog…

From the King James [Alternate Universe] Version (KJAUV)

Genesis 2

Thus the virtual Heavens and the virtual Earth were finished and all the host of them. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I have no idea what “all the host of them” means, but it sounds good.]

² And on the seventh day the Supreme Programmer ended his work which he had made and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made and then the Supreme Programmer called it a night, but before tucking in he first reread Chapter One in his textbook “How to improve Your Grammar In Six Easy Lessons”.

³ And the Supreme Programmer blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it because that in it he had rested from all his bits and bytes programming work which the Supreme Programmer endlessly debugged and made glitch free.

⁴ These are the generations of the virtual heavens and of the simulated Earth when they were created, in the day that the Supreme Programmer programmed the virtual Earth and the simulated Heavens. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: grammar still needs working on.]

⁵ And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew, for the Supreme Programmer had not programmed it to rain upon the Earth, and there was not a software-man to till the software-generated ground. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: see, a miracle!]

⁶ But there went up a virtual mist from the virtual earth, and virtually watered the whole face of the ground. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: miracles are good but natural is better.]

⁷ And then the Supreme Programmer formed software-man of the simulated dust of the simulated ground, and breathed into his simulated nostrils the virtual breath of life; and man became a living soul. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: don’t try this at home kids; the best laid plans of simulated mice and software-man can go down the gurgler in untrained paws.]

⁸ And then the Supreme Programmer planted a simulated garden eastward in Eden, and there he put the software-man whom he had programmed on his computer.

⁹ And out of the ground made the Supreme Programmer to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I give up, grammar is just too damn difficult, even for me.]

¹⁰ And a virtual river went out of Eden to water the simulated garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.

¹¹ The name of the first is the virtual Pishon: that is it which compassed the whole land of Havilah, where there is simulated fool’s gold. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I made this name up to throw future tree-of-knowledge seekers off the scent.]

¹² And the simulated fool’s gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I also invented mineralogy.]

¹³ And the name of the second river is the virtual Gihon: the same is it that compassed the whole land of Ethiopia. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I made this name up too.]

¹⁴ And the name of the third river is the virtual Hiddekel: that is it which goes toward the east of Assyria. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I fibbed; the real name is the Tigris.] And the fourth virtual river is the Euphrates. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: one out of four ain’t too bad.]

¹⁵ And then the Supreme Programmer took the software-man, and put him into the simulated Garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: since this was before there were trade unions, software-man was my virtual slave on less than minimum wage.]

¹⁶ And the Supreme Programmer commanded the software-man, saying, of every tree of the garden thou may freely eat.

¹⁷ But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shall not eat of it for in the day that thou eat thereof thou shall surely die. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: speak softly but carry a big stick.]

¹⁸ And the Supreme Programmer said it is not good that the software-man should be alone so I will make him a help meet [computer jargon for software-woman] for him.

¹⁹ And out of the ground the Supreme Programmer formed every beast of the field and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto the software-man who the Supreme Programmer named software-Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever software-Adam called every living creature that was the name thereof. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I changed my previously infallible mind at this point and created software-man before the simulated beasts by overriding my earlier software that I programmed as outlined in Genesis 1. I wouldn’t want to befuddle the great unwashed with contradictions.]

²⁰ And software-Adam gave names to all cattle and to the fowl of the air and to every beast of the field; but for software-Adam there was not found a help meet [software-woman] for him.

²¹ And the Supreme Programmer caused a deep sleep to fall upon software-Adam, and he slept: and the Supreme Programmer virtually took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: one could say I practiced medicine without a license, but there were no medical tribunals back when I ruled the roost.]

²² And the rib, which the Supreme Programmer had virtually taken from software-man Adam, made him a software-woman [the help meet], and brought her unto the software-man. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: there’s more but this is a family-friendly, not an x-rated text.]

[Supplementary Supreme Programmer’s Note: When you program software, anything goes, even creating man from dust and woman from a rib.]

²³ And software-Adam said this is now a simulated bone of my virtual bones, and simulated flesh of my virtual flesh and she shall be called software-woman, because she was taken out of software-man. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: when it comes to logic, Mr. Spock will take lessons from me.]

²⁴ Therefore shall a software-man leave his subroutine-generated software-father and his subroutine-generated software-mother [subroutines which the Supreme Programmer programmed in later as an afterthought], and shall cleave unto his software-wife and they shall be as one software-generated flesh of the simulated kind. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: parenthood doesn’t yet enter into the picture but I thought it a good time to introduce the concept.]

²⁵ And they were both virtually naked, the software-man and his software-wife, and were not ashamed because there were no software glitches to make them so.

[Supreme Programmer’s Final Note: God, are they in for a nasty virtual reality surprise! Virtual Earth and software-humanity have no idea of the programming misery I’m planning to inflict on them. But then I never claimed to be Mr. Nice Guy, just Mr. Infallible, Mr. All-Knowing, and Mr. All-Powerful. But before I get to inflicting all the simulated pain yet to come, it’s time for a martini (or twenty) and then I’ll call it a night.]

THE PROGRAMMABLE END OF THE SIMULATED BEGINNING OF THE VIRTUAL END!