In the Beginning: The Annotated Supreme Programmer: Part Two

We’re probably all familiar with the mythology of The Creation as outlined in the Book of Genesis: chapters 1 and 2.  But if you believe in a Simulated Universe relative to a Supernatural Universe, here’s an annotated variation on The Creation theme.

Continued from yesterday’s blog…

From the King James [Alternate Universe] Version (KJAUV)

Genesis 2

Thus the virtual Heavens and the virtual Earth were finished and all the host of them. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I have no idea what “all the host of them” means, but it sounds good.]

² And on the seventh day the Supreme Programmer ended his work which he had made and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made and then the Supreme Programmer called it a night, but before tucking in he first reread Chapter One in his textbook “How to improve Your Grammar In Six Easy Lessons”.

³ And the Supreme Programmer blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it because that in it he had rested from all his bits and bytes programming work which the Supreme Programmer endlessly debugged and made glitch free.

⁴ These are the generations of the virtual heavens and of the simulated Earth when they were created, in the day that the Supreme Programmer programmed the virtual Earth and the simulated Heavens. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: grammar still needs working on.]

⁵ And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew, for the Supreme Programmer had not programmed it to rain upon the Earth, and there was not a software-man to till the software-generated ground. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: see, a miracle!]

⁶ But there went up a virtual mist from the virtual earth, and virtually watered the whole face of the ground. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: miracles are good but natural is better.]

⁷ And then the Supreme Programmer formed software-man of the simulated dust of the simulated ground, and breathed into his simulated nostrils the virtual breath of life; and man became a living soul. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: don’t try this at home kids; the best laid plans of simulated mice and software-man can go down the gurgler in untrained paws.]

⁸ And then the Supreme Programmer planted a simulated garden eastward in Eden, and there he put the software-man whom he had programmed on his computer.

⁹ And out of the ground made the Supreme Programmer to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I give up, grammar is just too damn difficult, even for me.]

¹⁰ And a virtual river went out of Eden to water the simulated garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.

¹¹ The name of the first is the virtual Pishon: that is it which compassed the whole land of Havilah, where there is simulated fool’s gold. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I made this name up to throw future tree-of-knowledge seekers off the scent.]

¹² And the simulated fool’s gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I also invented mineralogy.]

¹³ And the name of the second river is the virtual Gihon: the same is it that compassed the whole land of Ethiopia. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I made this name up too.]

¹⁴ And the name of the third river is the virtual Hiddekel: that is it which goes toward the east of Assyria. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I fibbed; the real name is the Tigris.] And the fourth virtual river is the Euphrates. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: one out of four ain’t too bad.]

¹⁵ And then the Supreme Programmer took the software-man, and put him into the simulated Garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: since this was before there were trade unions, software-man was my virtual slave on less than minimum wage.]

¹⁶ And the Supreme Programmer commanded the software-man, saying, of every tree of the garden thou may freely eat.

¹⁷ But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shall not eat of it for in the day that thou eat thereof thou shall surely die. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: speak softly but carry a big stick.]

¹⁸ And the Supreme Programmer said it is not good that the software-man should be alone so I will make him a help meet [computer jargon for software-woman] for him.

¹⁹ And out of the ground the Supreme Programmer formed every beast of the field and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto the software-man who the Supreme Programmer named software-Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever software-Adam called every living creature that was the name thereof. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I changed my previously infallible mind at this point and created software-man before the simulated beasts by overriding my earlier software that I programmed as outlined in Genesis 1. I wouldn’t want to befuddle the great unwashed with contradictions.]

²⁰ And software-Adam gave names to all cattle and to the fowl of the air and to every beast of the field; but for software-Adam there was not found a help meet [software-woman] for him.

²¹ And the Supreme Programmer caused a deep sleep to fall upon software-Adam, and he slept: and the Supreme Programmer virtually took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: one could say I practiced medicine without a license, but there were no medical tribunals back when I ruled the roost.]

²² And the rib, which the Supreme Programmer had virtually taken from software-man Adam, made him a software-woman [the help meet], and brought her unto the software-man. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: there’s more but this is a family-friendly, not an x-rated text.]

[Supplementary Supreme Programmer’s Note: When you program software, anything goes, even creating man from dust and woman from a rib.]

²³ And software-Adam said this is now a simulated bone of my virtual bones, and simulated flesh of my virtual flesh and she shall be called software-woman, because she was taken out of software-man. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: when it comes to logic, Mr. Spock will take lessons from me.]

²⁴ Therefore shall a software-man leave his subroutine-generated software-father and his subroutine-generated software-mother [subroutines which the Supreme Programmer programmed in later as an afterthought], and shall cleave unto his software-wife and they shall be as one software-generated flesh of the simulated kind. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: parenthood doesn’t yet enter into the picture but I thought it a good time to introduce the concept.]

²⁵ And they were both virtually naked, the software-man and his software-wife, and were not ashamed because there were no software glitches to make them so.

[Supreme Programmer’s Final Note: God, are they in for a nasty virtual reality surprise! Virtual Earth and software-humanity have no idea of the programming misery I’m planning to inflict on them. But then I never claimed to be Mr. Nice Guy, just Mr. Infallible, Mr. All-Knowing, and Mr. All-Powerful. But before I get to inflicting all the simulated pain yet to come, it’s time for a martini (or twenty) and then I’ll call it a night.]

THE PROGRAMMABLE END OF THE SIMULATED BEGINNING OF THE VIRTUAL END!

In the Beginning: The Annotated Supreme Programmer: Part One

We’re probably all familiar with the mythology of The Creation as outlined in the Book of Genesis: chapters 1 and 2.  But if you believe in a Simulated Universe relative to a Supernatural Universe, here’s an annotated variation on The Creation theme.

From the King James [Alternate Universe] Version (KJAUV)

Genesis 1

In the beginning the Supreme Programmer programmed software creating the virtual Heaven and the virtual Earth. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: but wait, there’s more to come!]

² And the virtual Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And so the creativity of the Supreme Programmer moved upon the face of the waters with big plans afoot.

³ And the Supreme Programmer programmed in light and there was light. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I like light. Light is good. Light is, well, enlightening]

⁴ And the Supreme Programmer saw the light, that it was a good light and that there were no software glitches and then the Supreme Programmer divided the light from the darkness. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: that division was a really neat programming trick if I do say so myself.]

⁵ And the Supreme Programmer called the light day, and the darkness he called night. And the evening and the morning were the first day and the Supreme Programmer called it a night.

⁶ And the Supreme Programmer said, let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I had a few too many martinis at this juncture and that’s why this reads as pure nonsense – sorry ‘bout that.]

⁷ And the Supreme Programmer programmed the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament and it was so and there were no software glitches. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: see my comment immediately above, but otherwise think of this as a heavenly firmament sandwich with very soggy bread.]

⁸ And the Supreme Programmer called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day and the Supreme Programmer called it a night. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: the reason for the waters above the Heavenly firmament is so that Heaven will get some April showers.]

⁹ And the Supreme Programmer programmed the waters under the heaven to be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear, and it was so and there were no software glitches.

¹⁰ And the Supreme Programmer called the dry land earth; and the gathering together of the waters the Supreme Programmer called the seas: and the Supreme Programmer saw that it was good and that there were no software glitches. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: due to an oversight on my part, I forgot to mention the third part of the trilogy, the atmosphere – oops – sort ‘bout that.]

¹¹ And the Supreme Programmer programmed the virtual Earth to bring forth virtual reality grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed was of itself, upon the earth: and it was so and there were no software glitches. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: in my infinite wisdom I invented botany, simulated, of course.]

¹² And the virtual Earth brought forth virtual reality grass and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was within itself, after his kind and the Supreme Programmer saw that it was good and that there were no software glitches. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: not only botany, but masculine botany!]

¹³ And the evening and the morning were the third day and the Supreme Programmer called it a night. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I was pooped – wouldn’t you be?]

¹⁴ And the Supreme Programmer said, let there be lights in the firmament of the Heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I’m just full of neat tricks!]

¹⁵ And let them be for lights in the firmament of the Heaven to give light upon the virtual Earth and it was so. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: not only “let there be light” but “let there be lights”. More is better, don’t you agree?]

¹⁶ And the Supreme Programmer made two great simulated lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: damn I’m good!]

¹⁷ And the Supreme Programmer set them in the firmament of the Heaven to give light upon the Earth.

¹⁸ And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and the Supreme Programmer saw that it was good and that there were no software glitches.

¹⁹ And the evening and the morning were the fourth day and the Supreme Programmer called it a night.

²⁰ And the Supreme Programmer said let the waters [that were previously gathered together] bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of Heaven. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: in case you though my virtual Heaven was way, way, way out there, well even the birds can routinely perch there.]

²¹ And the Supreme Programmer created great whales, and every living creature that moves, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and the Supreme Programmer saw that it was good and that there were no software glitches.

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²² And the Supreme Programmer blessed them, saying, be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: actually that should read “fowl multiply on or over the earth.]

²³ And the evening and the morning were the fifth day and the Supreme Programmer called it a night.

²⁴ And the Supreme Programmer said, let the virtual Earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping things, and beasts of the earth after his kind and it was so. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: in my infinite wisdom I also invented zoology, also simulated, of course, and masculine too – of course.]

²⁵ And the Supreme Programmer made the beast of the Earth after his kind and cattle after their kind, and every thing that crept upon the earth after his kind: and the Supreme Programmer saw that it was good and that there were no software glitches. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I do love to endlessly repeat myself.]

²⁶ And the Supreme Programmer said; let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that crept upon the earth. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: I’ve invented masculine anthropology.]

[Supplementary Supreme Programmer’s Note: Unfortunately, in my not so infinite wisdom, I now have screwed up, Big Time.]

²⁷ So the Supreme Programmer created a virtual man in his own image, in the image of the Supreme Programmer created he him; male and female created he them, virtually. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: Another round of too many martinis in that I made a virtual man and a virtual him when I should have said I made a virtual man and woman. I also need to improve my grammar. Sorry ‘bout that.]

²⁸ And the Supreme Programmer blessed them, and the Supreme Programmer said unto them, be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moved upon the earth. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: when I screw up, I really screw up! Well at least I’ll be responsible for giving birth to The Greens!]

²⁹ And the Supreme Programmer said, behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: what I really mean here is that plants are food for plant eaters which in turn are meat for meat eaters – got that?]

³⁰ And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that crept upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat and it was so. [Supreme Programmer’s Note: see immediately above.]

³¹ And the Supreme Programmer saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good and that there were no software glitches. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day and the Supreme Programmer called it a night.

To be continued…