The Ancient Alien’s Bible: Part One

Erich Von Daniken asked the question “was God as astronaut?” Traditional Christians, Muslims, and those of the Jewish faiths of course answer “No”, God was (and is) a supernatural deity. Those more inclined to be free thinkers pondering realities outside of the religious box, answer anywhere from “Maybe” to “Yes”. If the latter, how might Biblical characters, places and events be interpreted in an ‘ancient astronaut’ context. Who’s who, Where’s where and what’s what?

All interpretations are based on the text of the King James Version of all things Biblical.

WHO’S WHO

God: OIC and captain of the Spaceship Heaven. His real alien name is of course Yahweh, or in the vowelless version YHWH, but I’ll just shorten that to God, a name that all and sundry recognise.

Satan: God’s original First Officer and second in command of the Spaceship Heaven, later exiled to Hell, or at least to Earth, for mutiny. 

Fallen Angels: Fallen Angels are those officers and crew who were in cahoots with Satan in the unsuccessful mutiny against Captain God and who were court-martialed and stripped of their status and rank and exiled to Hell on Earth. 

The Seraphim: Because the Seraphim have six wings, they are probably a separate extraterrestrial race aligned with the alien race of beings to which God and company belong. [Well Star Trek exhibited a multi-species crew from the start.] One such alien was apparently someone called Metatron, an angel who acted as the ‘voice of God’, a scribe, and is the tallest and greatest of the lot. ‘He’s’ sort of the chief cook and bottle washer on the Spaceship Heaven.

The Cherubim (singular is cherub): The extraterrestrial Cherubim might be related to the Seraphim in that they are enormous four-winged beings. The definitive book in the Bible on cherubim is the Book of Ezekiel, mainly the first and tenth chapter.

Governor or Watcher Angels: These are your typically obedient angels who just sort of watch over humanity in general, a sort of extraterrestrial Peeping Tom some of who had an eye for the Daughters of Men.   

Archangels: Senior officers of Spaceship Heaven. Those messenger and battle ready angels. The best known of the lot were the archangels who are very high-ranking angels indeed, starting with Michael, Gabriel and Raphael, but followed by Uriel, Simiel, Orifiel and Zachariel.

Angels: Ordinary crewmembers of the Spaceship Heaven, forever running errands for the senior officers.

Sons of God: Apparently hand chosen senior crew members, perhaps literally biological offspring of Captain God. The Sons of God were apparently some or all of the Governor or Watcher Angels.

Daughters of Men: Human females.

Nephilim: The offspring of the Sons of God and the Daughters of Men. They were apparently the ‘giants’ referred to ‘in the Earth’, though exactly how giant was giant isn’t spelled out.

Jesus: Another offspring of the Sons of God and the Daughters of Men, albeit much farther on down the historical track, or perhaps the offspring between God himself and the Daughters of Men (well one anyway). Jesus would later rise (from the ‘dead’) to become First Officer on board Spaceship Heaven. That Jesus is an extraterrestrial is admitted by himself in John 8:23. Of note here is that Jesus probably used holographic technology to give an appearance of walking on water and/or appearing alive and in the ‘flesh’ post execution – which he survived, another sign of high technology in operation. 

Baal: God’s prime extraterrestrial rival for power and authority in the region, though there’s never any direct and open physical conflict twixt the two.

Moses: Just one of several abductees noted and logged in Biblical texts. He was abducted by a ‘cloud’ and carried on up the mountain for a close encounter with a supreme alien lawmaker. Upon his return his face had an unnatural glow about it which caused those waiting his return to be afraid of him.

Jacob: Witnessed (or dreamed about) angels ascending and descending to and from Spaceship Heaven.

Ezekiel: A human who had a close encounter of the third kind (those Cherubim) plus an associated abduction event.

Jonah: Spent three days and nights in isolation inside a technological craft.

Joshua: 1) Was in possession of high technology sonic weaponry at Jericho. 2) He later witnessed several UFOs that stood still in the sky providing illumination for his army.

Enoch and Elijah: These two human males are the only two whose ultimate fate (death) we don’t know anything about. Both humans apparently joined the Spaceship Heaven at the behest of her captain never to be seen again, albeit Elijah was spotted with Jesus by three of his disciples (see Transfiguration).

Old Age Pensioners: Methuselah, Noah, Adam as well as others, apparently lived to really, really ripe old ages, way, way, way beyond the standard three score and ten. The explanation: these were humans invited by the officers and crew of Spaceship Heaven to take a relativistic interstellar journey at velocities at a considerable fraction of the speed of light. They aged normally on board, but because of the time dilation effect, time passed more rapidly back on Earth, or more slowly on the spaceship (same difference), such that they returned home hundreds of terrestrial year’s later – Earth time - thus the false appearance that they were hundreds of years old at journey’s end but didn’t look a day over thirty because they really weren’t a day over thirty! It’s referred to as the Twin Paradox of Special Relativity, though it’s not really a paradox at all, just the logical conclusion of the equations of Special Relativity which have been verified by observation and experiment, at least on the micro scale.

Matthew, Mark, Luke & John: A quartet of roving reporters who independently investigated what was to them relatively recent history – just several generations had passed – each in his own way. The topic of their investigation was an alleged historical figure, a figure that seemed to have gained some degree of uniqueness, notoriety and prominence as a possible deity and the quartet wrote up their short biographies accordingly. 

To be continued…

Biblical UFOs, Abductions & Ancient Astronauts: Part One

Nearly all of us are familiar to a greater or lesser extent with the concept of ‘ancient astronauts’ – extraterrestrials that influenced human history many millennia ago. Evidence is cited from around the world, and draws on mythology, religion, out of place artefacts, artistic works, and the construction of various monumental megaliths that modern society and modern engineering would be hard pressed to reconstruct. It shouldn’t be surprising that a small fraction of that evidence has been culled from the Bible. You won’t hear this preached in church!

I have long maintained that God and the gods were not totally imaginary, but not supernatural either, rather extraterrestrials (ET). What ET is known for today, among other things, are not only those UFO encounters of the first, second and third kind, but those alleged abductions of humans for various purposes – close encounters of the fourth kind. Perhaps as it is now, so it was back in Biblical times.

Here are some people and events from the Bible (King James Version) that is suggestive of close encounters of the heavenly or out-of-this-world or extraterrestrial kind. Heavenly is apt since heaven is literally out-of-this-world.

One of the keywords in searching for Biblical UFOs is the ‘whirlwind’. In Biblical texts, the ‘whirlwind(s)’ – all 27 references - is clearly identified with phenomena caused by or related to God, or the LORD as He often is referred to, or more often as not refers to Himself. Whirlwinds go up, as in the case of Elijah (see immediately below), and they come down, as for example in Ezekiel (see further below).

ELIJAH

Elijah is only one of two people in the Bible who does not die. Why? Here’s why!

2 Kings 2:11: And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven.

*Now we have no idea what really transpired after that abduction, but there are those who maintain that, all these centuries later, Elijah is alive and well and has yet a role to play in that ‘end of days’ scenario.

Malachi 4:5: Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD.

*So Elijah is abducted, but will ultimately be returned, sort of like modern UFO/alien abductees, only over a far longer time span.

ENOCH

Enoch is the other of that duo that doesn’t die in the Bible. While there is no quasi-UFO event, there is an abduction related scenario according to the Bible.

Genesis 5:24: And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.

Hebrews 11:5: By faith Enoch was translated that he should not see death; and was not found, because God had translated him: for before his translation he had this testimony, that he pleased God.

*If God took him, and God is an ET, then an alien UFO abduction rose-by-any-other-name is still an alien UFO abduction.

EZEKIEL

Ezekiel had that famous UFO encounter recounted in Ezekiel chapter one relating those wheels within wheels and various creatures that looked sort-of like men but weren’t. Ezekiel says he had a “vision” of God, but if God is really an extraterrestrial, then Ezekiel had a vision of an extraterrestrial(s) or in modern parlance, a ‘close encounter of the third kind’. Here are the first couple of verses.

Ezekiel 1:4: And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.

Ezekiel 1:5: Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.

Ezekiel 1: 6: And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.

*Ezekiel’s close encounter is fairly self-explanatory, and it goes on from there. But what happened after that?

Ezekiel 3:12: Then the spirit took me up, and I heard behind me a voice of a great rushing, saying, Blessed be the glory of the LORD from his place.

Ezekiel 3:13: I heard also the noise of the wings of the living creatures that touched one another, and the noise of the wheels over against them, and a noise of a great rushing.

Ezekiel 3:14: So the spirit lifted me up, and took me away, and I went in bitterness, in the heat of my spirit; but the hand of the LORD was strong upon me.

Ezekiel 3:15: Then I came to them of the captivity at Telabib, that dwelt by the river of Chebar, and I sat where they sat, and remained there astonished among them seven days.

*All of that sounds a bit like an unwilling UFO abduction to me!

MOSES

Another keyword associated with a possible Biblical UFO event is ‘cloud’. Take Moses for example.  Moses too was ‘abducted’ in a cloud by God, but, as typical of most abductees, returned safely to earth, or in the case of Moses, the wilderness.

Exodus 19:9: And the LORD said unto Moses, Lo, I come unto thee in a thick cloud.

Exodus 24:15: And Moses went up into the mount, and a cloud covered the mount.

Exodus 24:18: And Moses went into the midst of the cloud, and gat him up into the mount: and Moses was in the mount forty days and forty nights.

Exodus 33:9: And it came to pass, as Moses entered into the tabernacle, the cloudy pillar descended, and stood at the door of the tabernacle, and the Lord talked with Moses.

Exodus 34:5: And the LORD descended in the cloud, and stood with him [Moses] there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD.

To be continued…

The Biblical Forty: Part Two

You can’t read much about Biblical lore without running across the pure number forty. It appears very often. Why? Was it a lack of imagination on the part of the mortals who penned the texts? Was it coincidence? Is it just statistical probability? Does it have some deeper significance? There’s no apparent obvious answer to this – it just is and it just is interesting.

The number 40 appears quite frequently in the Bible (at least in the King James Version anyway). You’d think that there would be equally as good a probability that 39 or 41 would appear as frequently, but no, apparently not. 39 and 41 hardly get a mention. That alone is a bit odd. Anyway, here are some more of the numerous examples of “40” in the Bible (King James Version).

Continued from yesterday’s blog…

NEHEMIAH

*Forty shekels of silver get mentioned.

*Yet again some further references to those 40 years in the wilderness.

PSALM

*Someone suffered a grievance about a certain generation for 40 years.

EZEKIEL

*Some reference to the inequity of the House of Judah being beared for 40 days.

*The land of Egypt shall be laid waste and desolate for 40 years.

*The length of a temple was 40 cubits.

AMOS

*Yet again more details about those 40 years spent by the Israelites in the wilderness.

JONAH

*It will be 40 days before the city of Nineveh is overthrown and cooked like a Xmas turkey.

MATTHEW

*Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights.

MARK

*Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days, threatened by beasts and tempted by Satan and went on a starvation diet to boot!

LUKE

*More about Jesus in the wilderness for 40 days.

ACTS

*Some rather vague reference to Jesus and his 40 days while speaking of things relating to the kingdom of God.

*Back to Moses, that burning bush and 40 years that had elapsed prior to that flaming event.

*Yet again, references to those 40 years in the wilderness. 

*Now its Saul’s turn for his 40 years.

HEBREWS

*Some comparisons are made between Moses and Jesus and temptations, with special reference to those 40 years. 

Interestingly, the pure number 40 doesn’t appear in the most anomalous of Biblical books – Revelation. Anyway, back to 40!

We note that in the Bible it’s not 39.5 or 40.5 but precisely 40 (days, years, cubits, etc.) on the dot. You’d think there would be some slight variation. I mean if it rained for 40 days but only 39 nights, what’s the problem? 

Some numbers have special significance: the number 7 is lucky or perfect; the number 13 is however unlucky; we all know what 666 means, but 40?

The number 40 doesn’t really seem to have any real significance in the real world. None of the physical constants equal 40. The mathematical concept of Pi, the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of any circle is, (rounded off) equal to 3.1416. Forty certainly doesn’t equal the human lifespan, then or now. Forty isn’t the square (1, 4, 9, 16, 25, 36, and 49) or cube (1, 8, 27, and 64) of any whole number. Time tends to be measured in multiples of 12 (60 seconds/minute; 60 minutes/hour; 24 hours/day; 12 months/year). No month has 40 days. We have 5 fingers and toes for a total of 20 digits. 100 is a common and significant number, and quarters of 100 are 25, 50 and 75. Few if any monetary denominations come in bills or coins equal to 40 units. The musical octave is 8. There are 360 degrees in a circle, and when quartered (the four points on the compass) you have going clockwise 90 (east), 180 (south), 270 (west), and of course 0/360 (north). 40 is just a very ho-hum number of no special significance. It has no real symbolic numerology.

In some contexts 40 is significant. Minus 40 degrees Centigrade equals minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit. Forty is also the sum of the first four pentagonal numbers (1, 5, 12 & 22). It is also a pentagonal pyramidal number (1, 6, 18, 40, 75, etc.). Venus returns to the exact same point in the sky every 40 years. A woman is pregnant for roughly 40 weeks. Forty has significance in some sports, none of which were played in Biblical times. Forty appears in some common phrases like “forty winks” or “life begins at forty”. Forty years of marriage is the ruby wedding anniversary. Then there’s “Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves”.

I’ve seen some suggestion that the 40 year cycle of Venus might have some significance, but the word “Venus” doesn’t appear in the Bible, and neither does “evening star”. “Morning star” does appear, but it’s made clear that Jesus is referring to himself (pat, pat, and pat some more) as the “morning star”. A common adjective for Venus, “Cytherean” fails to get a mention either.

All up, there seems little basis here to attribute the special significance to 40 that the Bible apparently gives it.

Of course maybe it’s some sort of Biblical code, sort of cryptic. Maybe it’s a clue to string together every 40^th letter or word in the Bible. I haven’t actually tried that on the assumption it would be a waste of time. I’d bet dimes to donuts that the result would be gibberish in any translation or in the original for that matter.

There are a final few Biblical bits that relate to 40; though I’m sure way more could be found if one looked hard enough. 

Moses' life is divided into three 40-year segments, separated by his fleeing from Egypt, and his return to lead his people out.

Forty days was the period from the resurrection of Jesus to the ascension of Jesus.

In modern Christian practice, Lent consists of the 40 days preceding Easter. 

Extraterrestrial Angels: Part Two

My philosophy tends to be that behind every mountain of mythology lies a molehill of reality. It’s just a matter of trying to figure out what that hidden needle-in-a-haystack reality might be without access to the actual needle. Take the case of angels. I think a better reality would have them as angelic extraterrestrials relative to the mythological ‘winged’ entities that really aren’t represented as such (winged, that is) in the Bible and similar texts.

Continued from yesterday’s blog…

One of the numerous aspects dealing with angels is that they have a hierarchy – not all angels are equal in rank and status.

From the First Sphere come the Seraphim. You have apparently someone called the Metatron, an angel who acts as the ‘voice of God’, a scribe, and is the tallest and greatest of the lot. ‘He’s’ sort of the chief cook and bottle washer in Heaven’s highest level.

From the Second Sphere you have the governor or watcher angels who, well, as your typically obedient angels just sort of watch over humanity in general. However, disguised as men, they associated with humans in an all too human manner. According to Enoch, and Genesis 6,  those “sons of God” or “sons of Heaven”  (angels) got a tad horny and mated with human females (the “daughters of men”) producing the Nephilim, those giants back on the Earth in those ancient days! Perhaps the watcher angels watched a tad more closely than they should have! Could an angel really be a ‘peeping Tom’?

Lastly, from the Third Sphere, those messenger and battle ready angels. The best known of the lot are the archangels who are very high-ranking angels indeed, starting with Michael, Gabriel and Raphael, but followed by Uriel, Simiel, Orifiel and Zachariel.

Then there are the ‘fallen angels’ who were court-martialed and stripped of their status and rank. They play no real role in this discussion and thus are of no further concern to us.

Now not all monotheistic religious denominations embrace or adopt all of the above hierarchy. Maybe there should be a theological equivalent of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle well known in quantum physics. Let’s call it by a rather unimaginative phrase the ‘Religious Uncertainty Principle’. That’s a truism in that no two monotheistic religious denominations agree on everything which alone makes supernatural theology a bit suspect considering the alleged importance of a supernatural deity.  

In fact, you’d think the deity in question, and we all know who I’m referring to here (three letters starting with ‘G’), would take steps to clarify things. I mean if there are a dozen biographies written about you out there for sale on the market, and they all differ in key details about your life, wouldn’t you go ‘on the record’ and sort things out? 

Anyway, the upshot is that angels have a hierarchy and ranks and various jobs and responsibilities which are the sorts of things you’d expect if angels were really crew on an ET vessel that came to Earth a few thousand years ago. The parallel with crewing any navy ship or those spaceships depicted in “Star Trek” are clear-cut.    

Now what about the cherubim (mentioned above) that are depicted in the Bible; depicted with wings?

The cherubim (singular is cherub) are actually Assyrian in origin. They were depicted as enormous eagle-winged beings with the bodies of lions though usually with human heads (lammasu) or human heads and the bodies of bulls (shedu). Even though they were depicted as guardians, they don’t sound very Biblically angelic to me! However, it was these beasties, a composite of some things human and wings that morphed into the stereotyped image of an angel. However, cherubim are named as such in the Bible and the image is anything but traditionally angelic. 

They seemed however to have shape-shifted from their Assyrian image just a bit and taken on a different persona in the Bible, especially prominent in the Old Testament.

The definitive book in the Bible on cherubim is the Book of Ezekiel, mainly the first and tenth chapter. The prophet Ezekiel describes cherubim as a tetrad of living creatures, each having four faces: of a man, a lion, an ox, and an eagle. They are said to have the stature and hands of a man, feet of a calf, and four wings each. Two of the wings extended upward, while the other two stretched downward and covered the creatures themselves. In the Christian New Testament similar beings are mentioned in the fourth chapter of the Book of Revelation. Just to further distance cherubim from traditional angels, the cherubim’s wings are multi-eyed – no doubt that’s all the better to see you with I guess.

If you check out Chapter Six of 1 Kings (King James Version), you’ll find that cherubs have a wingspan of 10 cubits, and a height of 10 cubits, at least I gather that must be their real life size since Solomon manufactured two of them, I assume on a one-to-one scale. The whole story is repeated in the third chapter of 2 Chronicles by the way. Now a cubit is roughly 18 to 22 inches; say 20 inches on average. So our model cherub is 200 inches tall; ditto the wingspan. That’s a tad over 16 ½ feet! Well, the Assyrians did say their versions were enormous!

You’ll also find several references to someone hitching a ride on a flying cherub (2 Samuel 22:11 and Psalm 18:10). At over 16 feet, well that sounds plausible.

Somewhat related are the Seraphim, but instead of four wings they have six wings (Isaiah 6:2). That’s again rather un-angelic appearing. I’ve mentioned one already, Metatron; the other suspect is called Seraphiel, who apparently had the head of an eagle (akin perhaps to the Egyptian god Horus who had a falcon head placed on a human body or Seker with a hawk’s head or Thoth who had the head of an ibis). Apparently there are two more Seraphim as well, and all four keep God in good company 24/7. Nice work if you can get it!

I think we can agree that there is no similarity between your ingrained image of a Biblical angel (with or without wings) and the cherubim.

Relation between fairies and cherubim:  In modern English the word cherub is sometimes used for what are strictly putti, baby or toddler angels, or winged children in fact, mainly shown in works of art. Sort of like our current images of Eros or Cupid but without the bow and arrows! So we have another shape-shift and another quite different persona from that in the Bible or Assyria. In this case the cherubs appear to have some sort of kinship with the fairy-folk. Check out images of fairies and they are, though not childlike, tend to be small and winged.

Then there are ‘guardian angels’. However, IMHO, the concept of a ‘guardian angel’ is seriously flawed. First off, if we each have a ‘guarding angel’ looking over us, and as the human population keeps doing it’s “be fruitful and multiply” bit, where do all the ever required additional ‘guardian angels’ come from? Do they just materialise out of thin air? And secondly, if they exist, then they are doing a lousy piss-weak job of being a true guardian. I mean you still have bad luck, misfortunes, failures, accidents, illnesses and you still ultimately end up kicking-the-bucket. If a child of two say dies of cancer (or for any other reason), do the parents really believe there was a so-called ‘guardian angel’ looking after their kid? Do you believe it?  

Conclusions: The traditional images of your typical run-of-the-mill angel are as phoney as a three-dollar bill. That’s because despite the multi-thousands of depictions available on the market that you can consult, they do not agree with what should be the ultimate image source – the Bible. So, though the Bible is a mythological mountain, there’s still that damn really real molehill to be accounted for. So, we have wingless angels. If you don’t care for that molehill (and probably extraterrestrial) accounting, then be prepared to explain how angels can go up-the-down-staircase (and vice versa) without wings – well maybe they hitched rides on the cherubim! Then again, maybe not as that’s just too Monty Python for comfort. Aerial vehicles in a time when there aren’t (or shouldn’t be) aerial vehicles are a plausible (extraterrestrial) alternative.   

Anything humanoid with wings (cherubim or fairies or related) is clearly a mythological mountain with more likely as not an extraterrestrial molehill hiding behind that mythological mountain. Supernatural just doesn’t cut the mustard.

And so-called ‘guardian angels’ are just wishful thinking. There’s no reference to them at all in the King James Version of the Bible. In fact, the word “guardian” doesn’t rate a mention. While some angels as depicted in the Bible allegedly look after selected individuals at selected times at the behest of God, that’s a far cry from the belief that God sends an angelic spirit to watch over every individual 24/7. In fact the concept of guardian angels isn’t consistently believed or upheld in Christian thought as an article of any sort of faith.

Finally we see some commonalities between the polytheistic religions of ancient Egypt (bird-headed humanoids), ancient Greece and Rome (cherubs like Cupid/Eros), the ancient Assyrians (cherubim) and the wee-folk (fairies) of the pagan Celtic religions, all with the monotheistic Bible. People who put their religious money on monotheism, based on say the Bible, obviously also believe that polytheism is pure mythology. Monotheism is factual reality; polytheism is pure fiction. Yet, those who profess the reality of monotheism based on the Bible, had better think twice about polytheism, as that very book confirms the factual reality of polytheism as well. As demonstrated here, if you believe one you have to accept the other. Of course all this monotheistic versus polytheistic bullshit can be unified by resorting to a terrestrial presence of a multiracial or more likely as not multi-species of extraterrestrials.  

Biblical Foreign Policy: Make War, Not Love: Part Two

When we think of religious fanatics, we think of those long ago times like the Crusades and the Inquisition and those who imposed the doctrines of Christianity by force on non-Christian societies like those in Africa and the Americas. Or, perhaps we think of some modern countries today that have one form or another of religious fundamentalism at the core of their domestic and foreign policies. But surely nations like the United States have not had, and do not have, any such associations, at least at leadership levels. Well, as the 2012 Presidential election campaign rolls on, one has to wonder if that could change.

When it comes to Biblical (God’s) foreign policy things aren’t personal issues anymore but national issues. And those national issues have implications above and beyond national borders. Those national issues do indeed have implications for life, the universe and everything. So, pray tell, what’s foreign policy when it comes to Biblical texts – those words of God – or God’s directives when it comes to foreign affairs? In short, it’s ‘shoot first and don’t bother asking questions later’. Here are further examples.

Continued from yesterday’s blog…

If all that’s not enough to convince you, there’s always Ezekiel. I mean another instrument of foreign policy are threats – maybe blockades, maybe trade or other economic sanctions, or withdrawing diplomatic recognition. But in Biblical times, something usually stronger was implied, as the following ‘I will’ or ‘I shall’ threats (or promises) make abundantly clear.

*Ezekiel 12:20: And the cities that are inhabited shall be laid waste, and the land shall be desolate; and ye shall know that I am the LORD.

*Ezekiel 25:17: And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them.

*Ezekiel 28:23: For I will send into her pestilence, and blood into her streets; and the wounded shall be judged in the midst of her by the sword upon her on every side; and they shall know that I am the LORD.

*Ezekiel 30:26: And I will scatter the Egyptians among the nations, and disperse them among the countries; and they shall know that I am the LORD.

*Ezekiel 32:15: When I shall make the land of Egypt desolate, and the country shall be destitute of that whereof it was full, when I shall smite all them that dwell therein, then shall they know that I am the LORD.

*Ezekiel 33:29: Then shall they know that I am the LORD, when I have laid the land most desolate because of all their abominations which they have committed.

*Ezekiel 35:4: I will lay thy cities waste, and thou shalt be desolate, and thou shalt know that I am the LORD.

*Ezekiel 35:9: I will make thee perpetual desolations, and thy cities shall not return: and ye shall know that I am the LORD.

We note the everlasting phrase “I am the LORD”. Just to make sure you don’t forget it, that phrase is repeated 162 times in the Bible (King James Version). I personally think that’s a bit on the side of overkill. Can you imagine an American president again and again reminding Americans by bellowing out repeatedly “I am the PRESIDENT”! Such constant reminders might be suggestive that the utterances come from one who is really a tad insecure in the position. 

Just to wrap up this little illustration on how God treats His subjects, foreign and domestic, consider these.

*Joshua 24:19: And Joshua said unto the people, Ye cannot serve the LORD: for he is an holy God; he is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins.

*Nahum 1:2: God is jealous, and the LORD revengeth; the LORD revengeth, and is furious; the LORD will take vengeance on his adversaries, and he reserveth wrath for his enemies.

This doesn’t relate much to the warm and fuzzy idea of a compassionate; merciful; love your enemies; forgiving God, does it?

Now let us fast forward to modern times.

By Biblical rationality and policy, the United States of America should probably smite both Canada and Mexico – the former for giving safe harbour to all those anti Vietnam War draft dodgers, not to mention Canadians having the audacity to believe that ice hockey is a better sport than baseball – blasphemy, heathens all; and the latter for all those illegal alien migrants who can’t even speak English, not to mention being a major drug supplier to the Land of the Free. And as for Cuba, they at least deserve the Sodom and Gomorrah treatment!

And if that Vietnamese War had happened in Old Testament times, North Vietnam really would have been bombed back to the Stone Age as several hawk generals advised at the time; and the Korean War would have ended in 1952 instead of the never-ending stalemate that drags on, and on and on. There just wouldn’t be a North Korea in existence today. The Cold War would have been at least a Warm War if not a Hot-As-Hell-War. If God had been president, Saddam Hussein and sons would have been toast at the end of the first Gulf War. 

Half a world away, Australia should kick Indonesia’s ass not only for the Bali massacre and allowing all those boat people access to their territory to they can row, row, row their boats into Australian territorial waters, but for the explicit torture of Australian livestock that’s exported live to that rather barbaric nation. To Australian Christian values, Indonesia’s non-Christian infidels should be struck down in good old fashion Old Testament style and the sooner the better. But then again that inspired 2004 Asian tsunami, an act of God and therefore God’s wrath, did deal death out to a few of those Indonesian bastards (still, a few is better than none). This was God’s will, obviously, and it hinted at what Australian foreign policy should be – the only good Indonesian is a dead Indonesian!  

While I’m sure every country and every county’s leader(s) have some rational to want to be able to act like God and smite enemies left, right and centre, fortunately most can’t. However, the USA can and that means their leader, the US president of the day can take on the role of God. The question is, do you want any American president to really act like God acts?

Of course God isn’t just reactive; He is also proactive, so I can imagine that if God had been sitting in the Oval Office all these years, not only would the Stars and Stripes (or some Biblical version of the American flag) be flying all over the world, but domestic Biblical policy, God’s policy, would be equally universal. No women’s rights, especially regarding reproductive rights; the death penalty would be standard and include a lot of transgressions not currently included – and no private lethal injections, rather public stoning or burning at the stake would be the norm. Of course slavery would be rife, and there would be no such thing as privacy behind closed doors for consenting adults. Animal sacrifices would be standard and animal welfare organisations would be banned.

If God were in the White House you’d be living not under the American Constitution and Bill of Rights but under the yoke of those hundreds of do’s and don’ts that make up God’s personal constitution. There would be no democracy, no Bill of Rights, no need or even right to vote. It would be an Orwellian society but instead of “Big Bother is watching you” it’s an all knowing “God is watching you” 24/7/52.

The modern relevance of this little exercise is that, in modern America, the 21^st Century, you have presidential candidates (unnamed, but you know who they are), who would be happy to end the separation of church and state and who would govern from the White House according to the texts of the Bible – God’s holy words. Governing according to the Bible would mean carrying out God’s version of not only domestic policy but foreign policy, which is, according to the Bible, something akin to a policy that tends to be shoot first, shoot often, shoot to kill and don’t worry about asking all those later questions as dead men tell no tales; the hell with all those later questions, full stop. The President and Commander-in-Chief would be playing the role of God and that would have to include being willing to carry out all God’s policies and the entire sort of God-performed and God-endorsed atrocities of the Old Testament. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. In fact I’m seeing increasing references to the Grand Old Party, the GOP, the American Republican Party, as “God’s Own Party”. My reading of this is America, be afraid, be very afraid.

P.S. The closest America came to having ‘God’ in the White House was Christian fundamentalist and thrice Presidential candidate (and triple loser) William Jennings Bryan. Bryan has totally against the theory of evolution and the teaching of that theory in American schools and universities. His main claim to fame is that he was the guest prosecutor in the 1925 Scopes Trial, or the so-called Monkey Trial”. Teacher John T. Scopes was accused of teaching Darwinian evolution to his students in violation of Tennessean state law.  When Bryan himself was placed on the stand by the defence attorney, the famed Clarence Darrow, as an expert in all things Biblical, well the verdict was that Darrow made a ‘monkey’ out of Bryan. Bryan died just five days after the trial ended. Though Scopes was found guilty, the verdict was later overturned on a technicality.

Biblical Cryptozoology: Part One

Cryptozoology is an endeavour to establish the reality of animal species (often mega-fauna) that are currently unverified or totally unknown. New species (usually insects and micro-fauna) are being discovered everyday. Alas a lot will never be verified because we humans unknowingly have driven them to extinction. Mythologies around the world are full of unknown mega-fauna, which truth be known, if they have or had existence it is or was extraterrestrial in nature. Here I briefly look at the most popular of all mythological texts, the Bible, to see what might be of zoological interest. 

You won’t find references in the Bible to the Yeti, Bigfoot, Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, the Cyclopes, or other similar beasties that interest wildlife biologists in the hunt for unverified, but possible examples of terrestrial wildlife. However, that doesn’t mean that the Bible doesn’t contain descriptions of a whole host of unknown creatures – the province of modern cryptozoology. Taking in turn the realm of the air, the land and the sea, what do we find?

Note: All references below refer to the King James Version of the Bible.

AIR:

*Cherubim: Of all the weird and wonderful creatures that appear between Genesis and Revelation, Ezekiel takes first prize for the most weird and wonderful of all. Ezekiel, assuming here he hadn’t consumed too much fermented grape juice, witnessed a whirlwind, a great cloud, full of fire with much brightness and overall the colour of amber, when as he puts it all came to pass in the thirtieth year, in the fourth month, in the fifth day of the month. Okay, maybe it’s a volcanic eruption (or perhaps a descending spaceship)! Well, apparently it’s not volcanic in origin for it then comes to pass that there were four creatures associated with this phenomenon which Ezekiel ultimately identifies as a Cherub (Ezekiel 9:3) or Cherubim (Ezekiel 10:14).

Ezekiel also says that these four living creatures (or perhaps crew members) “had the likeness of a man” (i.e. they were humanoid but not human).  And each of these creatures had four faces and four wings. The four faces were akin to those of a man, an ox, an eagle and a lion. And these creatures glowed. On second thought, maybe Ezekiel had consumed a bit too much grape juice! However, to be fair to the man, if you’ve never had a close encounter before and no concept of ET, then you can only interpret and describe what you see in terms you are familiar with, like an eagle or lion or something that’s akin to a man but not a man. 

Anyway, Ezekiel also describes the glowing craft or vehicle associated with this quartet, which in ancient astronaut literature is noted as the ‘Wheel of Ezekiel’, a Biblical UFO encounter. Then he hears a voice, which in his confused state assumes must be a deity, in fact The Deity (well, that’s understandable – back then I probably would have assumed the same not being acquainted with ancient astronaut and UFO lore and the whole concept of life on other planets). In a similar way to his description of aliens in familiar terms (somewhat like a man), Ezekiel could explain in the only way possible the message he was given as a ‘message from God’. The messengers certainly weren’t his next door neighbours holding a conversation with him! 

It would appear that the creatures who posed as the Lord or who Ezekiel misinterpreted as the Lord departed around or about Ezekiel 3:2-14. Thus Ezekiel concluded his ‘first contact’, a close encounter of the third kind.

However, there was a second coming, a repeat performance around Ezekiel 8:1 when it came to pass for Ezekiel in the sixth year, in the sixth month, in the fifth day of the month. Again you get descriptions of those four faces, slightly altered as this time round as the four faces were akin to a cherub, man, lion and eagle (Ezekiel 10:14) – the ox had gone, so maybe these weren’t the exact same aliens. But you still get the technology of the wheels and the clouds and the brightness and the fire and the lifting up and departure, and so ‘second contact’ ended by the conclusion of Ezekiel 10.  

Something seems amiss at first glance however as first contact was in the “thirtieth year” but second contact was in the “sixth year”. I gather the thirtieth year was his 30^th year in captivity down by the river at Chebar, while his sixth year was his 6^th year back at home following. At a minimum that means at least six years between first and second contact, not that that has any great significance.

There is however one more follow-up to these four-faced creatures. Revelation, like Ezekiel, is dominated to a nearly excessive degree with four living creatures. Revelation 4:7 relates another four creatures, all with now familiar faces – lion, calf, man and flying eagle. But in the time elapsed since Ezekiel’s day (a time that hasn’t actually arrived yet apparently), these aliens had sprouted an additional pair of wings, for a grand total of six wings as related in the following verse, Revelation 4:8. Maybe these creatures have differing number of wings due to age (they grow more wings as they grow older), or sex (females have four wings; males six wings or vice versa) as something part and parcel within their own natural selection and evolution.

These six-winged beasties are probably the Seraphim as related in Isaiah 6:2 and 6:6. They like to cry out “holy, holy, holy” (their catchcry), exactly the same phrase you get uttered in Revelation 4:8. They, the four beasts with the six wings, were also blessed with a myriad of eyes (as in way more than two) on all sides. Lots of eyes can be found in Greek mythology too. Argus was a 100-eyed giant, ultimately slain by Hermes who presented the corpse to Hera (Mrs. Zeus) who incorporated the eyes of Argus into her iconic symbol – the peacock.

In any event, four-winged ‘spirits’ were commonly depicted in ancient Mesopotamia so there’s nothing unique about Ezekiel’s neural network and visions and so perhaps Ezekiel wasn’t hitting the bottle after all.  

These intelligent beings might be thought of as outside the province of cryptozoology or zoology full stop, yet the Sasquatch/Bigfoot, Yeti and similar hairy hominoids are considered legit. But since Ezekiel’s creatures are unknown humanoids to science, intelligent or not, whether they fall in the realm of cryprozoology or not, well that’s just unnecessarily splitting hairs. Still, one could argue that the Cherubim (and Seraphim) might fall more into the interests of astrobiologists and/or ufologists if my premise is correct and they are really extraterrestrials.

*Cockatrice: Both Isaiah and Jeremiah acknowledge the cockatrice which is a relatively small two-legged dragon, but with the head of a rooster. In some versions it’s cited instead as a basilisk, which in legend is king of the serpents with the evil eye (much like the Gorgon, Medusa), though without wings. Some editions just wimp out and call it a viper.

*Dragon: There are many references to the concept of dragons in the Bible, but the biggie is Revelation 12:3 – “And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads.” And Revelation 12:7 – “And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels.” Of course in this context the dragon is equated with Satan, but “seven heads and ten horns” has to be a rather weird description of Satan, an original angel, methinks. Still, here’s the reference: Revelation 12:9 – “And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.” So there!

*Flying Horse: When you think of a flying horse you think of Pegasus, but Pegasus doesn’t get a mention in the Bible. But, you do get a relation of Pegasus, cited in 2 Kings 2:11 when Elijah gets abducted, placed on a chariot of fire drawn by horses of fire and gets transported to heaven whether he likes it or not. I presume that in order to get from ground level to heaven the horses must have had wings. Then there’s Revelation. I think Revelation 9:17 is confusing the concept of the horse with the dragon since one doesn’t normally associate a horse’s mouth spewing forth smoke, fire and brimstone! And our poor very confused author of Revelation has trouble distinguishing a lion’s head from a horse’s head – even a very young child can tell the two apart. However, later on down the track we get white horses and riders (one of which I gather is J.C. himself – as a rider, not as a horse) heading hell bent for leather to strut their Revelation stuff. Presumably, those horses will be descendents of Pegasus, otherwise by the time they (the riders) reach terra firma from heaven it’s going to be splat-city (unless they have parachutes of course).

*Locusts: In Revelation you also have a plague of locusts appear, which doesn’t sound too unusual or anomalous, except these locusts were shaped like horses and had the faces of men and crowns on their head which was covered in the hair of women and teeth that you associate with lions and the tail of a scorpion. Are you getting the impression the author here either had some magic mushrooms for breakfast or else was puffing on the good stuff?

To be continued…