The Ancient Alien’s Bible: Part One

Erich Von Daniken asked the question “was God as astronaut?” Traditional Christians, Muslims, and those of the Jewish faiths of course answer “No”, God was (and is) a supernatural deity. Those more inclined to be free thinkers pondering realities outside of the religious box, answer anywhere from “Maybe” to “Yes”. If the latter, how might Biblical characters, places and events be interpreted in an ‘ancient astronaut’ context. Who’s who, Where’s where and what’s what?

All interpretations are based on the text of the King James Version of all things Biblical.

WHO’S WHO

God: OIC and captain of the Spaceship Heaven. His real alien name is of course Yahweh, or in the vowelless version YHWH, but I’ll just shorten that to God, a name that all and sundry recognise.

Satan: God’s original First Officer and second in command of the Spaceship Heaven, later exiled to Hell, or at least to Earth, for mutiny. 

Fallen Angels: Fallen Angels are those officers and crew who were in cahoots with Satan in the unsuccessful mutiny against Captain God and who were court-martialed and stripped of their status and rank and exiled to Hell on Earth. 

The Seraphim: Because the Seraphim have six wings, they are probably a separate extraterrestrial race aligned with the alien race of beings to which God and company belong. [Well Star Trek exhibited a multi-species crew from the start.] One such alien was apparently someone called Metatron, an angel who acted as the ‘voice of God’, a scribe, and is the tallest and greatest of the lot. ‘He’s’ sort of the chief cook and bottle washer on the Spaceship Heaven.

The Cherubim (singular is cherub): The extraterrestrial Cherubim might be related to the Seraphim in that they are enormous four-winged beings. The definitive book in the Bible on cherubim is the Book of Ezekiel, mainly the first and tenth chapter.

Governor or Watcher Angels: These are your typically obedient angels who just sort of watch over humanity in general, a sort of extraterrestrial Peeping Tom some of who had an eye for the Daughters of Men.   

Archangels: Senior officers of Spaceship Heaven. Those messenger and battle ready angels. The best known of the lot were the archangels who are very high-ranking angels indeed, starting with Michael, Gabriel and Raphael, but followed by Uriel, Simiel, Orifiel and Zachariel.

Angels: Ordinary crewmembers of the Spaceship Heaven, forever running errands for the senior officers.

Sons of God: Apparently hand chosen senior crew members, perhaps literally biological offspring of Captain God. The Sons of God were apparently some or all of the Governor or Watcher Angels.

Daughters of Men: Human females.

Nephilim: The offspring of the Sons of God and the Daughters of Men. They were apparently the ‘giants’ referred to ‘in the Earth’, though exactly how giant was giant isn’t spelled out.

Jesus: Another offspring of the Sons of God and the Daughters of Men, albeit much farther on down the historical track, or perhaps the offspring between God himself and the Daughters of Men (well one anyway). Jesus would later rise (from the ‘dead’) to become First Officer on board Spaceship Heaven. That Jesus is an extraterrestrial is admitted by himself in John 8:23. Of note here is that Jesus probably used holographic technology to give an appearance of walking on water and/or appearing alive and in the ‘flesh’ post execution – which he survived, another sign of high technology in operation. 

Baal: God’s prime extraterrestrial rival for power and authority in the region, though there’s never any direct and open physical conflict twixt the two.

Moses: Just one of several abductees noted and logged in Biblical texts. He was abducted by a ‘cloud’ and carried on up the mountain for a close encounter with a supreme alien lawmaker. Upon his return his face had an unnatural glow about it which caused those waiting his return to be afraid of him.

Jacob: Witnessed (or dreamed about) angels ascending and descending to and from Spaceship Heaven.

Ezekiel: A human who had a close encounter of the third kind (those Cherubim) plus an associated abduction event.

Jonah: Spent three days and nights in isolation inside a technological craft.

Joshua: 1) Was in possession of high technology sonic weaponry at Jericho. 2) He later witnessed several UFOs that stood still in the sky providing illumination for his army.

Enoch and Elijah: These two human males are the only two whose ultimate fate (death) we don’t know anything about. Both humans apparently joined the Spaceship Heaven at the behest of her captain never to be seen again, albeit Elijah was spotted with Jesus by three of his disciples (see Transfiguration).

Old Age Pensioners: Methuselah, Noah, Adam as well as others, apparently lived to really, really ripe old ages, way, way, way beyond the standard three score and ten. The explanation: these were humans invited by the officers and crew of Spaceship Heaven to take a relativistic interstellar journey at velocities at a considerable fraction of the speed of light. They aged normally on board, but because of the time dilation effect, time passed more rapidly back on Earth, or more slowly on the spaceship (same difference), such that they returned home hundreds of terrestrial year’s later – Earth time - thus the false appearance that they were hundreds of years old at journey’s end but didn’t look a day over thirty because they really weren’t a day over thirty! It’s referred to as the Twin Paradox of Special Relativity, though it’s not really a paradox at all, just the logical conclusion of the equations of Special Relativity which have been verified by observation and experiment, at least on the micro scale.

Matthew, Mark, Luke & John: A quartet of roving reporters who independently investigated what was to them relatively recent history – just several generations had passed – each in his own way. The topic of their investigation was an alleged historical figure, a figure that seemed to have gained some degree of uniqueness, notoriety and prominence as a possible deity and the quartet wrote up their short biographies accordingly. 

To be continued…

Biblical UFOs, Abductions & Ancient Astronauts: Part One

Nearly all of us are familiar to a greater or lesser extent with the concept of ‘ancient astronauts’ – extraterrestrials that influenced human history many millennia ago. Evidence is cited from around the world, and draws on mythology, religion, out of place artefacts, artistic works, and the construction of various monumental megaliths that modern society and modern engineering would be hard pressed to reconstruct. It shouldn’t be surprising that a small fraction of that evidence has been culled from the Bible. You won’t hear this preached in church!

I have long maintained that God and the gods were not totally imaginary, but not supernatural either, rather extraterrestrials (ET). What ET is known for today, among other things, are not only those UFO encounters of the first, second and third kind, but those alleged abductions of humans for various purposes – close encounters of the fourth kind. Perhaps as it is now, so it was back in Biblical times.

Here are some people and events from the Bible (King James Version) that is suggestive of close encounters of the heavenly or out-of-this-world or extraterrestrial kind. Heavenly is apt since heaven is literally out-of-this-world.

One of the keywords in searching for Biblical UFOs is the ‘whirlwind’. In Biblical texts, the ‘whirlwind(s)’ – all 27 references - is clearly identified with phenomena caused by or related to God, or the LORD as He often is referred to, or more often as not refers to Himself. Whirlwinds go up, as in the case of Elijah (see immediately below), and they come down, as for example in Ezekiel (see further below).

ELIJAH

Elijah is only one of two people in the Bible who does not die. Why? Here’s why!

2 Kings 2:11: And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven.

*Now we have no idea what really transpired after that abduction, but there are those who maintain that, all these centuries later, Elijah is alive and well and has yet a role to play in that ‘end of days’ scenario.

Malachi 4:5: Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD.

*So Elijah is abducted, but will ultimately be returned, sort of like modern UFO/alien abductees, only over a far longer time span.

ENOCH

Enoch is the other of that duo that doesn’t die in the Bible. While there is no quasi-UFO event, there is an abduction related scenario according to the Bible.

Genesis 5:24: And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.

Hebrews 11:5: By faith Enoch was translated that he should not see death; and was not found, because God had translated him: for before his translation he had this testimony, that he pleased God.

*If God took him, and God is an ET, then an alien UFO abduction rose-by-any-other-name is still an alien UFO abduction.

EZEKIEL

Ezekiel had that famous UFO encounter recounted in Ezekiel chapter one relating those wheels within wheels and various creatures that looked sort-of like men but weren’t. Ezekiel says he had a “vision” of God, but if God is really an extraterrestrial, then Ezekiel had a vision of an extraterrestrial(s) or in modern parlance, a ‘close encounter of the third kind’. Here are the first couple of verses.

Ezekiel 1:4: And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.

Ezekiel 1:5: Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.

Ezekiel 1: 6: And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.

*Ezekiel’s close encounter is fairly self-explanatory, and it goes on from there. But what happened after that?

Ezekiel 3:12: Then the spirit took me up, and I heard behind me a voice of a great rushing, saying, Blessed be the glory of the LORD from his place.

Ezekiel 3:13: I heard also the noise of the wings of the living creatures that touched one another, and the noise of the wheels over against them, and a noise of a great rushing.

Ezekiel 3:14: So the spirit lifted me up, and took me away, and I went in bitterness, in the heat of my spirit; but the hand of the LORD was strong upon me.

Ezekiel 3:15: Then I came to them of the captivity at Telabib, that dwelt by the river of Chebar, and I sat where they sat, and remained there astonished among them seven days.

*All of that sounds a bit like an unwilling UFO abduction to me!

MOSES

Another keyword associated with a possible Biblical UFO event is ‘cloud’. Take Moses for example.  Moses too was ‘abducted’ in a cloud by God, but, as typical of most abductees, returned safely to earth, or in the case of Moses, the wilderness.

Exodus 19:9: And the LORD said unto Moses, Lo, I come unto thee in a thick cloud.

Exodus 24:15: And Moses went up into the mount, and a cloud covered the mount.

Exodus 24:18: And Moses went into the midst of the cloud, and gat him up into the mount: and Moses was in the mount forty days and forty nights.

Exodus 33:9: And it came to pass, as Moses entered into the tabernacle, the cloudy pillar descended, and stood at the door of the tabernacle, and the Lord talked with Moses.

Exodus 34:5: And the LORD descended in the cloud, and stood with him [Moses] there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD.

To be continued…

The Biblical Forty: Part Two

You can’t read much about Biblical lore without running across the pure number forty. It appears very often. Why? Was it a lack of imagination on the part of the mortals who penned the texts? Was it coincidence? Is it just statistical probability? Does it have some deeper significance? There’s no apparent obvious answer to this – it just is and it just is interesting.

The number 40 appears quite frequently in the Bible (at least in the King James Version anyway). You’d think that there would be equally as good a probability that 39 or 41 would appear as frequently, but no, apparently not. 39 and 41 hardly get a mention. That alone is a bit odd. Anyway, here are some more of the numerous examples of “40” in the Bible (King James Version).

Continued from yesterday’s blog…

NEHEMIAH

*Forty shekels of silver get mentioned.

*Yet again some further references to those 40 years in the wilderness.

PSALM

*Someone suffered a grievance about a certain generation for 40 years.

EZEKIEL

*Some reference to the inequity of the House of Judah being beared for 40 days.

*The land of Egypt shall be laid waste and desolate for 40 years.

*The length of a temple was 40 cubits.

AMOS

*Yet again more details about those 40 years spent by the Israelites in the wilderness.

JONAH

*It will be 40 days before the city of Nineveh is overthrown and cooked like a Xmas turkey.

MATTHEW

*Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights.

MARK

*Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days, threatened by beasts and tempted by Satan and went on a starvation diet to boot!

LUKE

*More about Jesus in the wilderness for 40 days.

ACTS

*Some rather vague reference to Jesus and his 40 days while speaking of things relating to the kingdom of God.

*Back to Moses, that burning bush and 40 years that had elapsed prior to that flaming event.

*Yet again, references to those 40 years in the wilderness. 

*Now its Saul’s turn for his 40 years.

HEBREWS

*Some comparisons are made between Moses and Jesus and temptations, with special reference to those 40 years. 

Interestingly, the pure number 40 doesn’t appear in the most anomalous of Biblical books – Revelation. Anyway, back to 40!

We note that in the Bible it’s not 39.5 or 40.5 but precisely 40 (days, years, cubits, etc.) on the dot. You’d think there would be some slight variation. I mean if it rained for 40 days but only 39 nights, what’s the problem? 

Some numbers have special significance: the number 7 is lucky or perfect; the number 13 is however unlucky; we all know what 666 means, but 40?

The number 40 doesn’t really seem to have any real significance in the real world. None of the physical constants equal 40. The mathematical concept of Pi, the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of any circle is, (rounded off) equal to 3.1416. Forty certainly doesn’t equal the human lifespan, then or now. Forty isn’t the square (1, 4, 9, 16, 25, 36, and 49) or cube (1, 8, 27, and 64) of any whole number. Time tends to be measured in multiples of 12 (60 seconds/minute; 60 minutes/hour; 24 hours/day; 12 months/year). No month has 40 days. We have 5 fingers and toes for a total of 20 digits. 100 is a common and significant number, and quarters of 100 are 25, 50 and 75. Few if any monetary denominations come in bills or coins equal to 40 units. The musical octave is 8. There are 360 degrees in a circle, and when quartered (the four points on the compass) you have going clockwise 90 (east), 180 (south), 270 (west), and of course 0/360 (north). 40 is just a very ho-hum number of no special significance. It has no real symbolic numerology.

In some contexts 40 is significant. Minus 40 degrees Centigrade equals minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit. Forty is also the sum of the first four pentagonal numbers (1, 5, 12 & 22). It is also a pentagonal pyramidal number (1, 6, 18, 40, 75, etc.). Venus returns to the exact same point in the sky every 40 years. A woman is pregnant for roughly 40 weeks. Forty has significance in some sports, none of which were played in Biblical times. Forty appears in some common phrases like “forty winks” or “life begins at forty”. Forty years of marriage is the ruby wedding anniversary. Then there’s “Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves”.

I’ve seen some suggestion that the 40 year cycle of Venus might have some significance, but the word “Venus” doesn’t appear in the Bible, and neither does “evening star”. “Morning star” does appear, but it’s made clear that Jesus is referring to himself (pat, pat, and pat some more) as the “morning star”. A common adjective for Venus, “Cytherean” fails to get a mention either.

All up, there seems little basis here to attribute the special significance to 40 that the Bible apparently gives it.

Of course maybe it’s some sort of Biblical code, sort of cryptic. Maybe it’s a clue to string together every 40^th letter or word in the Bible. I haven’t actually tried that on the assumption it would be a waste of time. I’d bet dimes to donuts that the result would be gibberish in any translation or in the original for that matter.

There are a final few Biblical bits that relate to 40; though I’m sure way more could be found if one looked hard enough. 

Moses' life is divided into three 40-year segments, separated by his fleeing from Egypt, and his return to lead his people out.

Forty days was the period from the resurrection of Jesus to the ascension of Jesus.

In modern Christian practice, Lent consists of the 40 days preceding Easter. 

Exit Stage Left, the Exodus: Part Two

Once upon a time various authors compiled a volume of pseudo historical fairy tales (minus the fairies), some chapters more pseudo than others. We call that volume of tales today The Bible. One of the most pseudo chapters IMHO is the tale told in the Biblical Book of Exodus – an interesting work of fiction, but hardly history.

Continued from yesterday’s post…

TEN COMMANDMENTS – ROUND ONE

On the road between Egypt and the Promised Land, following the parting of the waters, Moses made that requested stopover back at Mount Sinai to pick up God’s offering. As a reward for his return patronage to this mountain resort he’s given some rather heavy stone tablets – the Ten Commandments. For some reason this took forty days and nights (perhaps some confusion here with Noah?).

Now some questions arise here. How come it takes nearly six weeks to write down the Ten Commandments? God should have had the tablets already made up and ready to hand to our 80 years old pensioner. If not that, it should have been no great trouble to create them in six minutes, being an Almighty and all that. It wouldn’t have taken Superman even that long – more like six seconds for the man in the cape who wears his underwear on the outside.

In any event, if God had gotten a move on and if Moses had of hurried back down the mountain tablets in hand it would have been a good thing and saved a lot of strife because in his lengthy six week absence, his followers, the great Israelite unwashed and Hebrew rabble, got up to a lot of mischief, ultimately pissing off God and Moses too.

Apparently to wile away their ‘idle’ time, brother Aaron, watching over the flock, passed around the collection plate and gathered up all of the metals in their possession and using same, created themselves a real idol – a golden calf apparently. Now how on earth this motley crowd could do advanced metallurgy (melting and casting) in the wilderness is beyond me. Anyway, idols are a big no-no in God’s eye so that bit of mischief was a really bad move.

But let’s return for a moment back up the mountain and to those six weeks. Apparently while waiting, Moses took the opportunity to go on a diet and didn’t eat or drink for the duration. Or maybe God was a bad host. You’d of thought God might have some manna to spare or some loaves and fishes to share with Moses. God indeed is a rather poor host. Just because God doesn’t need to eat or drink – a major blunder IMHO.

Verdict: Well, let’s face the logic. The logic is that this entire scenario is 100% illogical. It just never happened. 

TEN COMMANDMENTS – ROUND TWO

Alas, in a fit of temper, Moses, upon returning to ground level and those former Israelite slaves, spotted the golden calf, that no-no idol, threw a tantrum and unfortunately broke those original rather heavy stone tables - Que instant reply here. Yes, our old aged pensioner now returns to the site on Mount Sinai, but this time having to lug up the mountain some fresh stone tablets for God’s finger to write upon. Anyway he gets a carbon copy (or photocopy) of those heavy stone tablets. This time, upon his return from the mountain top, carrying those heavy stones, he didn’t do a butterfingers and drop the dishes and so the Ten Commandments finally made its rightful way to those in need of such instructions, those Israelites, obviously a rather amoral lot since they create idols and such. Why these great amoral unwashed should be God’s chosen people is beyond me, but hey, we all love to cheer on the underdog. And slaves freed from bondage, then being chased by the Egyptian army, enduring hardships in the wilderness, are a classic case of the underdog striving to and coming out on top - at least for a little while. But the hardships weren’t over with yet, not by a long shot. Freedom was still another forty years away.   

Verdict: If the scenario surrounding the Ten Commandments, Round One has no basis in historical fact, then the sequel is a case of déjà vu all over again. No one disputes that there are Ten Commandments in the Bible, plus a whole lot of additional “thou shall” and “thou shall nots” as well. Whether or not they came from a deity or not is neither here nor there, but a good case can be made for the dos and don’ts having a less than supernatural origin. The issue here is the method of delivery.

THE BIBLICAL MOUNT SINAI

I gather we leave Mount Sinai of the Exodus behind at this point. It’s too bad some of the chosen people didn’t choose to mark the location on a map. To add insult to injury, not only are Moses and the story to date iffy, so is the location of the Mount Sinai of the Bible itself. The Biblical Mount Sinai should not to be confused with an actual Mount Sinai near Saint Catherine and Mount St. Catherine way, way to the south of the Sinai Peninsula and thus far off the beaten path leading to the Promised Land. Surely God would have positioned himself somewhere along the most direct, most logical, route between lower Egypt (northern Egypt) and the Land of Canaan (well to the northeast) and not require his chosen people to go southeast to the real Mount Sinai then backtrack northeast – that’s hundreds of miles out of their way. It would be like travelling from Chicago to Seattle via the Grand Canyon!

Modern scholars differ as to the exact geographical position of the Biblical Mount Sinai which has ranged from the Sinai Peninsula to the Negev to Saudi Arabia to Petra and beyond. A lot of the debate centers on whether or not you identify the Biblical Mount Sinai with a volcano, in that the Biblical (Exodus) version of Mount Sinai is associated with lots of smoke, fire and brimstone. In any event, no one can really identify it for certain with any specific geographical location of an elevated nature (so we can’t go and have a look-see for ourselves at that non-combustible yet ever burning bush or see where the rock was quarried by God for those original, now busted, stone tablets). So there! Tough luck! Hard cheddar! Sorry ‘bout that!

Verdict: Something is screwy somewhere!

FORTY YEARS IN THE WILDERNESS: WTF?

God’s still pretty cheesed off at his chosen people and so in yet another fit of temper (God’s constant temper tantrums really get boring after awhile) God condemns those ex-slaves to wander around the wilderness, ever to be denied the Promised Land, saving that for their kiddies (actual or eventual) instead.  If God ordered you to spend forty years wandering about aimlessly in the desert wilderness would you say “Yes, Master – whatever you command Master” or something a tad more unprintable like “#@&*#%” along with a certain jester involving the middle digit of the hand? Assuming those involved weren’t physically restrained, it hardly takes forty years to get from Egypt to the Promised Land. There seems absolutely no point to God’s instruction. He wanted his people to get to the Land of Canaan so why delay things with this punishment. God of the double standard is also God with rocks between his ears. In any event, you’d get rather sick and tired of a manna diet after forty days, far less forty years worth! I mean it’s just bread, even if honey-sweet. I’m sure any modern day nutritionist would frown on anyone undertaking a manna-only diet for forty years! Even airline food would be a massive improvement, had they had airline fare back in those days.

Verdict: forty years in the wilderness is fiction, pure fiction, without any archaeological evidence to back up anything to the contrary. Even if you only made one mile a day and headed in just one direction, say the direction of the rising Sun, you’d be out of any desert wilderness way, way, way before forty years came and went.

And by-the-by, what’s with this Biblical obsession with the number forty? Quite apart from Noah, and the examples cited above, we have our central character, Moses, who was twice forty when called upon by God to come out of retirement and thrice forty when Moses kicked the bucket.

MOSES, PART TWO

First off, there is no evidence whatever for the existence of Moses. Moses, as well as the veracity of the Exodus story in which he prominently features is disputed amongst archaeologists and those well versed with the history of ancient Egypt. You won’t find so much as one hieroglyph with his name attached. Now that’s a tad surprising. Even if Moses isn’t Egyptian public enemy number one, he’s still was on their ten most wanted list.

Now we come to the birth and discovery of baby Moses. You know the story of the floating basket and related, but it’s pure plagiarism at worst, reinventing the wheel at best. There’s nothing even remotely original about it. The original first generation tale is attributed to what happened to baby [future King] Sargon (a really real historical figure without any question), the first empire builder in the Mesopotamian region. King Sargon or Sargon the Great (2330 – 2280 BCE though the exact dates vary slightly depending on source) forged the Akkadian Empire, establishing the capital of Agade in Akkad – look it up and check it out. That King Sargon (of Akkad)  is not to be confused however with another King Sargon of a much later era who rates a mention in the Bible by the way as a king of Assyria.

That aside, Moses was already ten years past his normally allotted lifespan when God gave him his commission and marching orders to free those apparent, but unverified, Hebrew slaves. If the standard lifespan allotment is ‘three score and ten’, why pick on an old age pensioner of four score years? Maybe diplomatic talent and those able to perform parlour tricks was just a bit thin on the ground. But really, in an era without air travel or air conditioned road transport, would you pick on an 80 year old to undertake not only the initial diplomatic task but endure all that followed? Recall, with respect to the Ten Commandments, this is an 80 year old pensioner who after forty days and nights on a starvation diet, dying of thirst, is asked to carry down off a mountain two large stone tablets, something even a fighting fit 30 year old (even without the diet) would be huffing-and-puffing over.

Finally, in an ending worthy of the greatest tear-jerking Hollywood final, Moses snuffs it, kicks the bucket, at an age of six score years (120) just in sight of his goal – the Promised Land. Okay, hankies back in pocket! As I said in the beginning, they don’t write them like that anymore!

Verdict: I think Moses is a figment of Biblical imagination, a useful fictional character to fulfil the various plot scenarios the unknown author intended, much like George Orwell manufactured Winston Smith as a required central character in his novel “1984”, and Arthur Conan Doyle created Dr. Watson to help flesh out the Sherlock Holmes tales. 

CONCLUSION

The Biblical Book of Exodus is worthy of a sci-fi Hugo Award. However, as really real history, it’s not credible – in fact it’s pure bovine fertilizer. There was no ten plagues; no Moses, no Hebrew slaves, no burning bush, no old age pensioner struggling to carry down (and later up) the mountain stone tablets, no wilderness exile, in fact no Exodus – exit stage left, the Exodus.

NOW FOR SOMETHING ELSE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

Somewhat out of context here, but what I find puzzling is how a relatively minor deity, who let’s face it was a worse tyrant or despot than Attila-the-Hun, with a relatively small constituency and control or jurisdiction over a relatively small geographical area could take over many of the hearts and minds of peoples from all over the globe. From God of Israel to God of Life, the Universe and Everything is a pretty neat trick.

I think the answer, the appeal, is that previously nearly all cultures had literally thousands of deities in charge of life, the universe and everything. It’s far easier to adopt, remember the name, rituals and codes of one deity than those multi-thousands most other cultures had. Put it this way, your choice – memorise just 1 x 1, or else memorise the entire multiplication table through to say 25 x 25. It’s your choice.  

*To engage in a conversation with God via a burning bush intermediary must be one of the more inventive of the Almighty’s scenarios. Perhaps this must be some ancient variation on people who talk to their pot plants – Prince Charles is in good company.

Exit Stage Left, the Exodus: Part One

Once upon a time various authors compiled a volume of pseudo historical fairy tales (minus the fairies), some chapters more pseudo than others. We call that volume of tales today The Bible. One of the most pseudo chapters IMHO is the tale told in the Biblical Book of Exodus – an interesting work of fiction, but hardly history.

Relatively few people wouldn’t find the story relayed in the Biblical Book of the Exodus other than riveting – they don’t write stories like that anymore. Alas, anyone can put words down on paper, that doesn’t of necessity make those words true. And while our libraries and bookstores are full of books clearly identified as fiction, I’m sure none of you would believe for a minute that all of the books in the non-fiction sections contain only the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The question arises, is the Bible in general, and for the purposes of this essay the section called Exodus, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, or perhaps something less, even a lot less, that that? 

THE MAIN CHARACTERS IN EXODUS

Moses, Part One: Moses is an old age pensioner to the tune of four score years. He’s commanded by God to undertake various tasks. I’ll have more to say about his bona-fides later on, but for now I’ll just note that Moses was most certainly not the author of “Exodus” since that text was not committed to ‘paper’ until many centuries after-the-‘fact’. And there’s little doubt that the version that we know today is a copy of a copy of a copy and a translation of a translation of a translation. 

Pharaoh X: The “X”, as always stands for “unknown” because nobody has a clue exactly which Pharaoh was the Pharaoh of the Exodus. For some absolutely inexcusable reason, assuming of course we’re dealing with history and not fairy tales, the Egyptian Pharaoh part and parcel of all of this ‘history’ – Hebrew or Israelite slaves, diplomatic negations with Moses, plagues, etc. – is totally unnamed! That’s like historical texts saying some American President X committed NASA to land a man on the on the Moon and return him safely to Earth before 1970 but those historical records forget which President. The Pharaoh in question might have been Ramesses II (otherwise known as Ramesses the Great). He is considered to be by punters the odds-on favourite, but there is no documentary or archaeological evidence that Ramesses II had any involvement with any of these happenings. Besides, Ramesses II being of sound mind and ego left all sorts of historical records about him for archaeologists thousands of years later to record. Sorry, no Israelites, slaves or otherwise. Anyway, Ramesses II has five other Pharaohs in competition for the ‘honor’ of being the Pharaoh of the Exodus. Pick a card; any card.

God: The Almighty deity who works in mysterious, contradictory, illogical and unethical ways. This God is a god of Israel and the Israelites and only of Israel and her citizens.

THE MISSION GOD GIVES MOSES

God, who on a tape recorded message that was hidden behind a burning bush* up on the Mount Sinai of the Bible (God’s never actually seen) addresses Moses: “Good morning, Moses. Your mission if you choose to accept [and by God you’d better, or else] is to journey to Egypt and negotiate with Pharaoh X the release of some Hebrew slaves (the Israelites – my chosen people) and escort them to the Land of Canaan (the Promised Land). I’m sending your brother Aaron to assist you. Feel free to impress Pharaoh X with some impressive parlour tricks so he’ll know how powerful you are. Oh, by the way, on the way back stop off here again at my Mount Sinai. I have something for you. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck Moses.”

Good luck indeed for our all-knowing God knows full well Moses will get Pharaoh X’s middle finger. God knew he’d have to resort to some good old fashion smiting in order to make Pharaoh X see the error of his ways, and no doubt God relished the opportunity to keep in practice with his smiting techniques.

And so it came to pass that Pharaoh X indeed told Moses where to go and what to do to himself when he got there! So much for Plan A’s minor ‘snake and staff’ parlour tricks approach – on to Plan B and time to get serious with some really real impressive parlour tricks (with more than a little bit of help from the Almighty) – the ten plagues.

THE TEN PLAGUES

We’ve all learned about the ten plagues inflicted on Egypt and her citizens. Alas, and surprisingly, the ten plagues aren’t recorded in ancient Egyptian historical texts. Sure, ancient Egypt suffered several natural disasters, the Nile over-flooding or not flooding enough; droughts and famines, but hardly anything akin to the rapid succession of all manner of other calamities the Bible relates – blood, frogs, lice, flies, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, darkness and death to the firstborn. Historians don’t have a bar of these plague tales since there’s not the remotest shred of hardcore evidence for them. Natural explanations can easily account for these as happening over the very long term as disassociated events – I mean there’s nothing supernatural about hail, frogs, lice, flies, pestilence, locusts or alga blooms (blood). Darkness can result from solar eclipses to ash clouds from volcanic eruptions to usually overcast conditions.

As for the last plague, God directly smites the firstborn (including the firstborn of livestock for some absolutely unfathomable reason humane societies need to comment on), of all and sundry Egyptians (sparing of course the Israelites), in direct violation of his commandment “Thou shall not kill”. Wow, God of the double standard is an absolute understatement in this context.  

You’d think that if a foreign deity (to the Egyptians) had smite the Egyptians with those ten plagues (or even just the final one – the straw that broke Pharaoh X’s back) that there would have, again, been some record of it in ancient Egyptian inscriptions. No! You’d think God would have been the subject of some of those famous Egyptian revenge spells and curses, for after all they only affected the Egyptians, not the Israelites. Apparently that’s not the case.

Verdict: The ten plagues are either un-associated events widely separated in time or pure fiction. I’d opt for pure fiction due to a lack of documentation in Egypt’s historical records.

THOSE ISRAELITE OR HEBREW SLAVES

What Israelite Slaves? No such population has been recorded in Egyptian history and the ancient Egyptians kept careful records as only obsessed accountants can. However, we’ll go with the Exodus flow and note that the ten plagues finally convinced Pharaoh X to let God’s chosen people go. Well, sort of. One obvious question arises however. Since Pharaoh X was the lone obstacle, why was it necessary to take out atrocities on the ordinary Egyptian citizen totally ignorant of what was going on and why – ditto those livestock? I mean subjecting Pharaoh X to several hours of heavy metal or rap music (God would have foreseen those ‘musical’ styles coming to pass) should have done the torture trick without undue ethical consequences. Regardless, and after-the-fact, Pharaoh X changed his mind and sent out his army and army’s chariots to bring ‘em back dead or alive – well probably alive since a dead slave isn’t of any use, even to a Pharaoh. High Noon was at the Red Sea, or was that the Sea of Reeds?

Verdict: Ancient Egypt did not; repeat did not, put to work any Israelii slaves.

IS IT THE RED SEA OR THE REED SEA?

Assuming the accuracy of Exodus up to this point (which I don’t), there’s dispute about the crossing of THAT body of water by the escaping Israelites and the drowning of Pharaoh X’s pursuing army. The KJV of the Bible does indeed say “Red sea”. However scholars suggest that it was, if there has to be a ‘was’, the Reed Sea or Sea of Reeds, that marshy area part and parcel of the northeast Delta region of Egypt. 

Why the confusion for such an important, unique, even historical event? - If it happened of course. And how could it happen?

Verdict: it didn’t happen. If the ancient Egyptians had had that many of their army wiped out, there would be a bona-fide historical record of it inscribed somewhere in some manner in ancient Egyptian writings or inscriptions. And claims that the remains of Egyptian chariots have been found on the Red Sea seabed have proven to be total nonsense and pseudo-archaeology. Any bona-fide archaeologist would sell their soul to the devil for such a discovery – an army’s worth of Egyptian war chariots from that era at the bottom of the Red Sea. They’d become as famous as Howard Carter of King Tut fame or Heinrich Schliemann who found and uncovered Troy. To confirm the Exodus via physical archaeological evidence would be worthy of a Nobel Prize – if they gave one for archaeology or history of course.  

THE PARTING OF THE WATERS

But assuming this unique geographical parting of the waters event happened, perhaps a massively strong wind or an earthquake might have accomplished the task naturally, but the texts (Exodus and other Biblical references) don’t relate any such natural forces at work at the time. If there was a wind strong enough to ‘part the waters’, then it would have been strong enough to blow both the Israelites and the Egyptians to the Promised Land in one puff! Apparently Moses waved his arms about and did the hokey-pokey and the rest as they say is history. Of course mortal men cannot part the waters, so again either we have an uncited natural event; or a real God behind the scenes, waiting in the wings offstage pulling the actual strings; or yet again, an episode of pure fiction.

Verdict: pure fiction.

To be continued…