Exit Stage Left, the Exodus: Part Two

Once upon a time various authors compiled a volume of pseudo historical fairy tales (minus the fairies), some chapters more pseudo than others. We call that volume of tales today The Bible. One of the most pseudo chapters IMHO is the tale told in the Biblical Book of Exodus – an interesting work of fiction, but hardly history.

Continued from yesterday’s post…

TEN COMMANDMENTS – ROUND ONE

On the road between Egypt and the Promised Land, following the parting of the waters, Moses made that requested stopover back at Mount Sinai to pick up God’s offering. As a reward for his return patronage to this mountain resort he’s given some rather heavy stone tablets – the Ten Commandments. For some reason this took forty days and nights (perhaps some confusion here with Noah?).

Now some questions arise here. How come it takes nearly six weeks to write down the Ten Commandments? God should have had the tablets already made up and ready to hand to our 80 years old pensioner. If not that, it should have been no great trouble to create them in six minutes, being an Almighty and all that. It wouldn’t have taken Superman even that long – more like six seconds for the man in the cape who wears his underwear on the outside.

In any event, if God had gotten a move on and if Moses had of hurried back down the mountain tablets in hand it would have been a good thing and saved a lot of strife because in his lengthy six week absence, his followers, the great Israelite unwashed and Hebrew rabble, got up to a lot of mischief, ultimately pissing off God and Moses too.

Apparently to wile away their ‘idle’ time, brother Aaron, watching over the flock, passed around the collection plate and gathered up all of the metals in their possession and using same, created themselves a real idol – a golden calf apparently. Now how on earth this motley crowd could do advanced metallurgy (melting and casting) in the wilderness is beyond me. Anyway, idols are a big no-no in God’s eye so that bit of mischief was a really bad move.

But let’s return for a moment back up the mountain and to those six weeks. Apparently while waiting, Moses took the opportunity to go on a diet and didn’t eat or drink for the duration. Or maybe God was a bad host. You’d of thought God might have some manna to spare or some loaves and fishes to share with Moses. God indeed is a rather poor host. Just because God doesn’t need to eat or drink – a major blunder IMHO.

Verdict: Well, let’s face the logic. The logic is that this entire scenario is 100% illogical. It just never happened. 

TEN COMMANDMENTS – ROUND TWO

Alas, in a fit of temper, Moses, upon returning to ground level and those former Israelite slaves, spotted the golden calf, that no-no idol, threw a tantrum and unfortunately broke those original rather heavy stone tables - Que instant reply here. Yes, our old aged pensioner now returns to the site on Mount Sinai, but this time having to lug up the mountain some fresh stone tablets for God’s finger to write upon. Anyway he gets a carbon copy (or photocopy) of those heavy stone tablets. This time, upon his return from the mountain top, carrying those heavy stones, he didn’t do a butterfingers and drop the dishes and so the Ten Commandments finally made its rightful way to those in need of such instructions, those Israelites, obviously a rather amoral lot since they create idols and such. Why these great amoral unwashed should be God’s chosen people is beyond me, but hey, we all love to cheer on the underdog. And slaves freed from bondage, then being chased by the Egyptian army, enduring hardships in the wilderness, are a classic case of the underdog striving to and coming out on top - at least for a little while. But the hardships weren’t over with yet, not by a long shot. Freedom was still another forty years away.   

Verdict: If the scenario surrounding the Ten Commandments, Round One has no basis in historical fact, then the sequel is a case of déjà vu all over again. No one disputes that there are Ten Commandments in the Bible, plus a whole lot of additional “thou shall” and “thou shall nots” as well. Whether or not they came from a deity or not is neither here nor there, but a good case can be made for the dos and don’ts having a less than supernatural origin. The issue here is the method of delivery.

THE BIBLICAL MOUNT SINAI

I gather we leave Mount Sinai of the Exodus behind at this point. It’s too bad some of the chosen people didn’t choose to mark the location on a map. To add insult to injury, not only are Moses and the story to date iffy, so is the location of the Mount Sinai of the Bible itself. The Biblical Mount Sinai should not to be confused with an actual Mount Sinai near Saint Catherine and Mount St. Catherine way, way to the south of the Sinai Peninsula and thus far off the beaten path leading to the Promised Land. Surely God would have positioned himself somewhere along the most direct, most logical, route between lower Egypt (northern Egypt) and the Land of Canaan (well to the northeast) and not require his chosen people to go southeast to the real Mount Sinai then backtrack northeast – that’s hundreds of miles out of their way. It would be like travelling from Chicago to Seattle via the Grand Canyon!

Modern scholars differ as to the exact geographical position of the Biblical Mount Sinai which has ranged from the Sinai Peninsula to the Negev to Saudi Arabia to Petra and beyond. A lot of the debate centers on whether or not you identify the Biblical Mount Sinai with a volcano, in that the Biblical (Exodus) version of Mount Sinai is associated with lots of smoke, fire and brimstone. In any event, no one can really identify it for certain with any specific geographical location of an elevated nature (so we can’t go and have a look-see for ourselves at that non-combustible yet ever burning bush or see where the rock was quarried by God for those original, now busted, stone tablets). So there! Tough luck! Hard cheddar! Sorry ‘bout that!

Verdict: Something is screwy somewhere!

FORTY YEARS IN THE WILDERNESS: WTF?

God’s still pretty cheesed off at his chosen people and so in yet another fit of temper (God’s constant temper tantrums really get boring after awhile) God condemns those ex-slaves to wander around the wilderness, ever to be denied the Promised Land, saving that for their kiddies (actual or eventual) instead.  If God ordered you to spend forty years wandering about aimlessly in the desert wilderness would you say “Yes, Master – whatever you command Master” or something a tad more unprintable like “#@&*#%” along with a certain jester involving the middle digit of the hand? Assuming those involved weren’t physically restrained, it hardly takes forty years to get from Egypt to the Promised Land. There seems absolutely no point to God’s instruction. He wanted his people to get to the Land of Canaan so why delay things with this punishment. God of the double standard is also God with rocks between his ears. In any event, you’d get rather sick and tired of a manna diet after forty days, far less forty years worth! I mean it’s just bread, even if honey-sweet. I’m sure any modern day nutritionist would frown on anyone undertaking a manna-only diet for forty years! Even airline food would be a massive improvement, had they had airline fare back in those days.

Verdict: forty years in the wilderness is fiction, pure fiction, without any archaeological evidence to back up anything to the contrary. Even if you only made one mile a day and headed in just one direction, say the direction of the rising Sun, you’d be out of any desert wilderness way, way, way before forty years came and went.

And by-the-by, what’s with this Biblical obsession with the number forty? Quite apart from Noah, and the examples cited above, we have our central character, Moses, who was twice forty when called upon by God to come out of retirement and thrice forty when Moses kicked the bucket.

MOSES, PART TWO

First off, there is no evidence whatever for the existence of Moses. Moses, as well as the veracity of the Exodus story in which he prominently features is disputed amongst archaeologists and those well versed with the history of ancient Egypt. You won’t find so much as one hieroglyph with his name attached. Now that’s a tad surprising. Even if Moses isn’t Egyptian public enemy number one, he’s still was on their ten most wanted list.

Now we come to the birth and discovery of baby Moses. You know the story of the floating basket and related, but it’s pure plagiarism at worst, reinventing the wheel at best. There’s nothing even remotely original about it. The original first generation tale is attributed to what happened to baby [future King] Sargon (a really real historical figure without any question), the first empire builder in the Mesopotamian region. King Sargon or Sargon the Great (2330 – 2280 BCE though the exact dates vary slightly depending on source) forged the Akkadian Empire, establishing the capital of Agade in Akkad – look it up and check it out. That King Sargon (of Akkad)  is not to be confused however with another King Sargon of a much later era who rates a mention in the Bible by the way as a king of Assyria.

That aside, Moses was already ten years past his normally allotted lifespan when God gave him his commission and marching orders to free those apparent, but unverified, Hebrew slaves. If the standard lifespan allotment is ‘three score and ten’, why pick on an old age pensioner of four score years? Maybe diplomatic talent and those able to perform parlour tricks was just a bit thin on the ground. But really, in an era without air travel or air conditioned road transport, would you pick on an 80 year old to undertake not only the initial diplomatic task but endure all that followed? Recall, with respect to the Ten Commandments, this is an 80 year old pensioner who after forty days and nights on a starvation diet, dying of thirst, is asked to carry down off a mountain two large stone tablets, something even a fighting fit 30 year old (even without the diet) would be huffing-and-puffing over.

Finally, in an ending worthy of the greatest tear-jerking Hollywood final, Moses snuffs it, kicks the bucket, at an age of six score years (120) just in sight of his goal – the Promised Land. Okay, hankies back in pocket! As I said in the beginning, they don’t write them like that anymore!

Verdict: I think Moses is a figment of Biblical imagination, a useful fictional character to fulfil the various plot scenarios the unknown author intended, much like George Orwell manufactured Winston Smith as a required central character in his novel “1984”, and Arthur Conan Doyle created Dr. Watson to help flesh out the Sherlock Holmes tales. 

CONCLUSION

The Biblical Book of Exodus is worthy of a sci-fi Hugo Award. However, as really real history, it’s not credible – in fact it’s pure bovine fertilizer. There was no ten plagues; no Moses, no Hebrew slaves, no burning bush, no old age pensioner struggling to carry down (and later up) the mountain stone tablets, no wilderness exile, in fact no Exodus – exit stage left, the Exodus.

NOW FOR SOMETHING ELSE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

Somewhat out of context here, but what I find puzzling is how a relatively minor deity, who let’s face it was a worse tyrant or despot than Attila-the-Hun, with a relatively small constituency and control or jurisdiction over a relatively small geographical area could take over many of the hearts and minds of peoples from all over the globe. From God of Israel to God of Life, the Universe and Everything is a pretty neat trick.

I think the answer, the appeal, is that previously nearly all cultures had literally thousands of deities in charge of life, the universe and everything. It’s far easier to adopt, remember the name, rituals and codes of one deity than those multi-thousands most other cultures had. Put it this way, your choice – memorise just 1 x 1, or else memorise the entire multiplication table through to say 25 x 25. It’s your choice.  

*To engage in a conversation with God via a burning bush intermediary must be one of the more inventive of the Almighty’s scenarios. Perhaps this must be some ancient variation on people who talk to their pot plants – Prince Charles is in good company.