The Creation of Adam and Eve: The Dust-and-Rib Hypothesis

Where did we, the modern human species, come from? Science has a very convincing case that we evolved via Darwinian natural selection from primate ancestors over the past eight or so million years. New Agers suggest we are the product from those same primate ancestors, only by artificial selection via genetic engineering on the part of ancient aliens. Then there’s God’s religious claptrap, one of various mythological creation tales to account for mankind, starting with Adam and Eve.

Adam and Eve are the names that we can use as an overall generality for the first humans, the first Homo sapiens, a species which had to come from somewhere. Biologists of course will argue the case for natural selection; evolution from older ancestral primates, especially the chimpanzee. New Agers might opt for an artificial selection or genetic engineering explanation on the part of flesh-and-blood ‘ancient astronauts’ under the clever disguise as deities, or perhaps incorrectly interpreted as deities by primitive man, but still an evolution from older primate ancestral stock. Then there’s a variation on that New Age theme that someone or something created a simulated universe via a computer program that ultimately created us as virtual beings. Finally, there are the creationists – God did it on the sixth day according to the Book of Genesis and no correspondence will be entertained on the matter. The Bible is literally God’s final word on life, the Universe and everything, including how we came to be.

If there were no other viable explanation for our existence apart from God creating mankind, that’s one thing, and there probably wasn’t any alternatives back in Bible times, so the Book of Genesis is understandable from that perspective or point of view, even if wrong. Alternative theories do abound now, with Darwinian evolution by natural selection the clear and preferred leader. One could almost say that evolutionists are really using the brains that God gave them to actually think with – one could almost say that except that implies a total contradiction in logic.

According to the Book of Genesis, Chapter One and Chapter Two, God created mankind, or at least one male (Adam) and one female (Eve) – Adam and Eve actually created the rest of humanity, well at least three sons worth of humanity. Humanity should have then gone extinct since no other women were apparently created to serve as possible mates, yet they (well one anyway for Abel) appear as if by magic. But back to Adam and Eve: were they really created by a supernatural deity, or perhaps genetically engineered by flesh-and-blood ancient astronauts or did they evolve naturally from more primitive ancestors? What do you think? I think we can eliminate God from Creation’s Big Picture.

Here are the relevant quotes:

Genesis 1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.

Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

Later on down the track we get more details.

Genesis 2:7 And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

Genesis 2:21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

Genesis 2:22 And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

Genesis 2:23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

That’s God’s story and no doubt He’s sticking to it!

We can debate the Darwinian and the New Age concepts as viable alternative scenarios some other time, but first creationism as related above has to be dumped into the rubbish bin and incinerated and thus eliminated from all logical consideration as a viable rival scenario.

Reason numero one states the obvious that there is no supernatural God or Allah or Jehovah or any other supernatural deity. If there was overwhelming evidence for such a supernatural deity then there would be no atheists. You don’t find people who deny the existence of gravity since there is so much evidence for it, yet you can’t see it or hear it or taste it or smell it or touch it. There are no gravity atheists. Evidence is everything – faith counts for nothing in any court of law, science or logic. 

Reason numero two is that the dust-and-rib (and variations thereof) scenario is absolutely ridiculous to even the most biologically ignorant, which is probably why it’s not taught in Biology 101. And how could a male rib shape-shift into a fully developed adult female (blonde, brunette, redhead?), minus navel no doubt, but ready equipped with intelligence, vocalization and language? A male rib in any event would contain male genetic information for maleness, but you couldn’t have expected the author(s) of this imaginary (bordering on sci-fi) Genesis tale to have known that. As to Adam’s creation from dust, perhaps all those bored housewives who are dissatisfied with their hubbies might want to save up all that household dust that they deal with daily with the intention of creating some sort of youthful stud rival for hubby’s affections and bedroom favours. I mean if a mere male deity can create a man from dust, imagine what a human female can accomplish with that same ingredient!

Reason numero three is that if God created Eve directly from Adam’s rib, then Adam and Eve are more closely related than any brother-sister pair ever were, and therefore when they did God’s ‘be fruitful and multiply’ thing, well that was incest! And God, by design, promoted that. Wow! Now what God should have done was take a pile of dust from the planet Mars and create Adam; take another pile of dust from the planet Venus and create Eve, and that way you’d really have men are from Mars and women are from Venus and no incest need be entered into (as it were). Further, humans would have had an extraterrestrial heritage and therefore been separate and apart from the rest of the terrestrial animal kingdom (see the following paragraph for that nitty-gritty).

Reason numero four is that if God et al. really wanted to make humans a unique creation, really separate and apart from all else, He would not have moulded us with the same basic body plan and biochemistry as the rest of the animal kingdom. We might have been created with a silicon-based biochemistry and we certainly wouldn’t share any DNA with anything else like chimpanzees, since that just confuses the creation picture. God was not thinking logically, just begging for a Darwin and genetics to come along and give Him a black eye.

Reason numero five is that a perfect God wouldn’t have created so many design flaws or imperfections in the alleged pinnacle of His creationist endeavours, the human species, what with their easily breakable bones, a way too narrow birth canal, bad backs, poor eyesight, and impacted wisdom teeth, as well as those non-functional body parts like an appendix, earlobes and toenails. One does not tend to manufacture something with faulty and non-essential parts. God might have created us a tad more resistant to arthritis, the common cold, as well as a seeming zillion other common afflictions from infections to cavities to the measles to numerous cancers. Then too there are all those nasty God-created personality flaws part and parcel of the human being we’d be better off without. If God created us, God created the automotive equivalent of the Edsel.

Reason numero six suggests a further anomaly that proves just about beyond any doubt that Genesis is the literary work of man and not of God; we note the endless repetition of “And God said.” My question: prior to Adam, just who was around back then to copy down anything that God said? And if the answer to that is “nobody”, then presumably God is just talking to Himself! Or, more likely as not, the entirety of the Book of Genesis, creation and all, is just an early example of what would later become first known as mythology and even later on down the track as science fiction or science fantasy.

Reason numero seven is that remains of Homo sapiens have been dated via various accepted and verified scientific methods to way before any possible Biblical date that’s accepted by creationists. Human remains can be dated to way in excess of an order of magnitude (a factor of ten times) in fact, in fact closer numerically to two orders of magnitude (a factor of one hundred times) vis-à-vis what a literal Bible demands.

Reason numero eight is that if God wanted His Chosen People (starting with Adam and Eve) to occupy what’s today the Land of Israel and surrounds, why create them in mankind’s Cradle of Africa? Africa is apparently mankind’s point-of-origin home turf on the grounds that hominid fossils have been uncovered there while nobody has yet conclusively pinpointed and proved the geographical location of the Garden of Eden, far less found human remains close by.

Reason numero nine asks why a Chosen People at all? If God created Adam and Eve, then they were His Chosen People and then all of their descendents would be God’s Chosen People, not just a select few further on down the line. It’s akin to parents singling out one child of many for special love and attention – it’s not the done thing.

Now another question arises, why would God want to create humans in the first place? The Almighty already had a nice garden for His R&R and a petting zoo created for His pleasure and what with His staff of angels, etc. He surely didn’t need any additional intellectual company – did God create Adam to play a game of chess with? Well the obvious reason is that God wanted someone, actually many some ones, was to lick His boots and kiss His posterior which presumably the fish and birds and beasts refused to do (and who said animals were dumb). Well, if that’s why God created us, beings to worship Him, then it’s high time to cease kissing His posterior but to kick it instead, hard, and often! 

In summary, if you want to come to terms with where you came from, as a subset question of where humans originated from, you should look elsewhere for answers rather than to the Bible, to the Book of Genesis, to God, or to any religion or deity for that matter. A supernatural explanation for creation is no answer at all, well at least until that bored housewife creates her male stud ‘boy toy’ from the innards of her vacuum cleaner! Till that happens then, I’ll file the Bible under fiction.

The All-God: All This, All That, All the Next Thing

God is certainly considered by the faithful to be omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent and of course omni-warm and omni-fuzzy. He’s also as omni-conceited as they come. But all that’s irrelevant since the All-God has the all-quality of non-existence.

If you tend to accept much of the theology surrounding the concept of a monotheistic God, then you accept that that God is infinite in terms of various attributes like being in all places at all times; possessing all knowledge (past, present and future); having infinitely more powers than Superman with no worries about heavenly or hellishly kryptonite, and having an infinite amount of compassion for those great unwashed moulded in His image, etc. Not only is that theology total nonsense, there are various other attributes of a near infinite nature that God possesses, like a massive ego except that theology too is flawed since you can’t have an ego if you don’t exist.

Is the All-God All-Present, All-Anywhere, All-Everywhere?

Since the Almighty is a physical being, after all He utters sounds and physically causes physical things to happen, as such He cannot be in all places at all times. A physical object, even a deity, cannot be in two places at the same time. That’s just total nonsense. Scratch omnipresent.

Is the All-God All-Loving, All-Merciful, All-Compassionate, and All-Forgiving?

“Yes” you say?  You have got to be joking! Have those spouting off such nonsense actually read the Old Testament? From the universal flood, to Sodom and Gomorrah, to the tenth plague, to the invasion of the Land of Canaan, to countless other large-scale right down to the small-scale, even individual (Abraham and Job) atrocities committed, God is the driving force. Hitler in his wildest dreams couldn’t conceive of such death and destruction as God inflicted on not only His enemies, but also on His own Chosen People. Would a compassionate God create hell, fire and brimstone to hold over the heads of His subjects as a means of potential eternal punishment like a sword of Damocles? If ‘military intelligence’ is a contradiction in terms, even more so is the phrase ‘loving God’. I’d sooner take my chances with ‘a loving person-eating shark’!  Please scratch omni-warm and omni-fuzzy from your theology.

Is the All-God All–Knowing?

If God is all knowing, what’s the point in the whole creation business? There’s no fun or satisfaction to a creation if you know to the tiniest detail, exactly what will happen at each and every moment to everything, everyone, and everywhere. Would your life be worth living if at say age 10, you had absolute knowledge of your future and knew exactly what each and every future second would be like for you in advance and that nothing could be altered? Nothing unexpected; no surprises would ever happen. So God created Adam and Eve, but since God is alleged to be an all-knowing God, then He knew even then what would happen in the Garden of Eden, so why bother instructing Adam and Eve not to eat forbidden fruit? What would be the point? That’s why people don’t usually want to be told the resolution to a film they haven’t yet seen. If you’re told before-the-fact whodunit, why see the film or read the novel?

That applies equally to that final Biblical Book of Revelation. The Bible is God’s Holy Word. Revelation is therefore God’s Holy Word. Everything that is to come is spelt out in detail. The ending is not in doubt. How the ending is achieved is not in doubt. God knows all of this in advance. Satan, being a literate sort of entity, knows all of this as well. Therefore, what’s the point in enacting out the scenario? If everyone has to go through the fixed Revelation scenario, then that confirms everything is predestined and that there is no such thing as Free Will despite God’s utterances to the contrary. Just like in a novel or a film, the plot plays out the exact same each and every time. The characters have no choice but to follow the plot line – they have no Free Will. Scratch omniscient.

Is the All-God All-Powerful?

If God can not prevent evil, then God is not all powerful. If God can prevent evil, but chooses not to, then God is hardly benevolent (i.e. – not omni-warm and omni-fuzzy). If God allows evil to exist in humans, and God created humans, then God must share some responsibility for that evil. It’s akin to parents having to shoulder responsibility if their child or children runs amuck.

God is not all-powerful since not even God can get around the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in quantum physics, which states that it is impossible to know simultaneously any particle’s precise position and trajectory.

Presumably, God, like gravity, and anything comprised of mass and/or energy can’t operate at faster than light speed. If God wants to smite you down, and God is ten light-years away, then you’re safe for a decade before His bolt of lightning hits you.

If God exists in a physical location within the Universe, then God can’t know about an event until the light (or other parts of the electromagnetic spectrum; or gravity) from that event reaches God. Since light has a finite speed, God is in the ‘dark’ as it were until the light and information it contains reaches God. For example, if God is residing on Planet Earth, and for some reason our Sun goes supernova, God (as well as the rest of humanity) won’t know about it for other eight-plus minutes – the time it takes light to reach Earth from the Sun. God is powerless to act until that eight-plus minutes have elapsed.

Not even God can change the past. I mean, there are any number of instances where to correct some mistake; it would have been easier to backtrack in time and undo something, like going back in time and posting a “No Trespassing: Keep Out: Serpents Will Be Shot On Sight: This Means You” sign at the entrance to the Garden of Eden.

Not even God can accomplish something that is self-contradictory, like creating a spherical cube or a cubical sphere! Not even God can draw more than one straight line between two points on a flat piece of paper.

If God is all-powerful, why did God need to rest on the 7^th day? Scratch omnipotent.

Is the All-God for All-People?

If you believe the Bible, God has His Chosen People – the Hebrews. God has His Promised Land for His Chosen People. That Promised Land isn’t America (far less California) or Australia/New Zealand or Europe (with or without Great Britain) or Antarctica or Asia or Africa or Russia, etc. Those Chosen Peoples aren’t the Italians, the Japanese, the Koreans, the Aboriginals, the Amerindians, the Polynesians or the Turks, and especially not the Egyptians! The Promised Land is the Land of Canaan, now called Israel; The Chosen People are, obviously, the Israelites. In fact the Bible (King James Version) makes crystal clear, not once, but 201 times that God is the “God of Israel”. So, if you ain’t associated with God’s Chosen People and God’s Promised Land, it’s impossible to believe that you are one of those in God’s holy grace! In short, it’s safe to give God your Big Middle Finger, even both of them!

On the other hand, some will quote Romans 3: 29 which indeed suggest that the All-God is for all-people, Jews and Gentiles alike. But then too that’s part of the warmer and fuzzier New Testament. The God of the Old Testament showed a lot more bias towards just one tiny segment of society. The proof of that pudding, neatly summed up, can be found in Deuteronomy 7:6 “For thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God: the LORD thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth.” The LORD thy God wasn’t referring to Americans despite some Americans referring to the United States as ‘God’s own country’ and California as ‘the promised land’.  

Is the All-God All-Up Himself?

Well let’s just say the phrase used by God in reference to Himself, “I am” is very, very frequently used. “I am the LORD” can be found 161 times in the King James Version of the Bible. This is clarified 33 times – “I am the LORD your God” and clarified an additional 7 times as in “I am the LORD thy God”.  What do you make of the phrase “I am the Almighty God” or “I am Alpha and Omega”? What about “I am a great king, saith the LORD”. Not even former baseball star Reggie (“This team, it all flows from me. I’m the straw that stirs the drink”) Jackson, or boxer Cassius (“I am the greatest”) Clay (otherwise better known by his alter ego pseudonym of Muhammad Ali), just to single out two individuals from tens of thousands of similar mindsets from all walks of life from around the world, had as big an ego as the Almighty!

Finally, the All-God’s All Non-Existence

God does in fact have one ‘All’ quality. He’s an all-nothing. God, the supernatural deity, doesn’t exist. He’s been a no-show for thousands of years. If God, assuming a God, really did exist; it would be simplicity itself to prove His existence to the faithful believers and atheist alike. No Old Testament person who has claimed an up close and personal contact with God can in turn be historically verified from any non-Biblical source(s). There’s absolutely nothing within the sum total of life, the Universe and everything that can be attributed to a deity and only to a deity. Those who choose to put faith in non-verifiable supernatural happenings that orbit around a Supreme Being are of course entitled to do so. They are equally as entitled to believe in the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. At least that holy trinity has bona-fide evidence to support their existence, as any child will testify to!

Is our Supreme Being A Deity For All the People?

If you believe the Bible, the Almighty has His Chosen People - the Hebrews. The Almighty has His Promised Land for His Chosen People. That Promised Land isn't America (far less California) or Australia/New Zealand or Europe (with or without Great Britain) or Antarctica or Asia or Africa or Russia, etc. Those Chosen Peoples aren't the Italians, the Japanese, the Koreans, the Aboriginals, the Amerindians, the Polynesians or the Turks, and especially not the Egyptians! The Promised Land is the Land of Canaan, now called Israel; The Chosen People are, obviously, the Israelites. In fact the Bible (King James Version) makes crystal clear, not once, but 201 times that the Almighty is the "God of Israel". So, if you ain't associated with the Almighty's Chosen People and His Promised Land, it's impossible to believe that you are one of those in His holy grace! In short, it's safe to give your alleged Supreme Being your Big Middle Finger, even both of them!

Six Impossible Godly Concepts: Part Two

We all like lists: The ten best this, the top dozen that; the five worst ranking next thing. That’s why the popularity of the Guinness Book of Records. In “Alice through the Looking Glass”, the White Queen believed in six impossible things before breakfast. Exactly what those impossible things were is not stated; perhaps they fell in the lap, not of the gods, but of God.

Continued from yesterday’s blog…

Impossibility Three: Is God All–Knowing?  Hardly! If God is all knowing, what’s the point in the whole creation business? There’s no fun or satisfaction to a creation if you know to the tiniest detail, exactly what will happen at each and every moment to everything, everyone, and everywhere. Would your life be worth living if at say age 10, you had absolute knowledge of the future and knew exactly what each and every future second would be like for you in advance? So God created Adam and Eve, but since God is alleged to be an all-knowing God, then He knew even then what would happen in the Garden of Eden, so why bother instructing Adam and Eve not to eat forbidden fruit? What would be the point? That’s why people don’t usually want to be told the resolution to a film they haven’t yet seen. If you’re told before-the-fact whodunit, why see the film or read the novel?

That applies equally to that final Biblical Book of Revelation. The Bible is God’s Holy Word. Revelation is therefore God’s Holy Word. Everything that is to come is spelt out in detail. The ending is not in doubt. How the ending is achieved is not in doubt. God knows all of this in advance. Satan, being a literate sort of entity, knows all of this as well. Therefore, what’s the point in enacting out the scenario? If everyone has to go through the fixed Revelation scenario, then that confirms everything is predestined and that there is no such thing as Free Will despite God’s utterances to the contrary. Just like in a novel or a film, the plot plays out the exact same each and every time. The characters have no choice but to follow the plot line – they have no Free Will.

Impossibility Four: Is God All-Powerful? Hardly! If God can not prevent evil, then God is not all powerful. If God can prevent evil, but chooses not to, then God is hardly benevolent (see Impossibility Two above). If God allows evil to exist in humans, and God created humans, then God must share some responsibility for that evil. It’s akin to parents having to shoulder responsibility if their child or children runs amuck.

God is not all-powerful since not even God can get around the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in quantum physics, which states that it is impossible to know simultaneously any particle’s precise position and trajectory.

Presumably, God, like gravity, and anything comprised of mass and/or energy can’t operate at faster than light speed. If God wants to smite you down, and God is ten light-years away, then you’re safe for a decade before His bolt of lightning hits you.

If God exists in a physical location within the Universe, then God can’t know about an event until the light (or other parts of the electromagnetic spectrum; or gravity) from that event reaches God. Since light has a finite speed, God is in the ‘dark’ as it were until the light and information it contains reaches God. For example, if God is residing on Planet Earth, and for some reason our Sun goes supernova, God (as well as the rest of humanity) won’t know about it for other eight-plus minutes – the time it takes light to reach Earth from the Sun.

Not even God can change the past. I mean, there are any number of instances where to correct some mistake; it would have been easier to backtrack in time and undo something, like going back in time and posting a “No Trespassing: Keep Out: Serpents Will Be Shot On Sight: This Means You” sign at the entrance to the Garden of Eden.

Not even God can accomplish something that is self-contradictory, like creating a spherical cube or a cubical sphere! Not even God can draw more than one straight line between two points on a flat piece of paper.

If God is all-powerful, why did God need to rest on the 7^th day?

Impossibility Five: Is God A God for All People? If you believe the Bible, God has His Chosen People – the Hebrews. God has His Promised Land for His Chosen People. That Promised Land isn’t America (far less California) or Australia/New Zealand or Europe (with or without Great Britain) or Antarctica or Asia or Africa or Russia, etc. Those Chosen Peoples aren’t the Italians, the Japanese, the Koreans, the Aboriginals, the Amerindians, the Polynesians or the Turks, and especially not the Egyptians! The Promised Land is the Land of Canaan, now called Israel; The Chosen People are, obviously, the Israelites. In fact the Bible (King James Version) makes crystal clear, not once, but 201 times that God is the “God of Israel”. So, if you ain’t associated with God’s Chosen People and God’s Promised Land, it’s impossible to believe that you are one of those in God’s holy grace! In short, it’s safe to give God your Big Middle Finger, even both of them! 

Impossibility Six: God versus Intelligent Design? Do you need a hearing aid? Do you need glasses? Did you require your tonsils or appendix or wisdom teeth to be removed? Do you suffer from haemorrhoids or back problems?  Have your hips, knees, and ankles let you down? Do you suffer from baldness, tooth decay, arthritis, acne, colds, the flu, even cancer? Do you have issues with your sexuality or the functioning of your private parts? Do you suffer from mental illness? Who created the human species and therefore by definition created you? God, that’s who, created you! Who created your physiology and anatomy? Did I hear you say “God”? So who created all of your psychological, physiological and anatomical problems? Did I hear you say “God” again? Is this what you would consider Intelligent Design? I don’t think so! Did God fail Anatomy 101? I think so.

God does in fact have one ‘All’ quality. He’s an all-nothing. God, the supernatural deity, doesn’t exist. One line of evidence in support of that is that God hasn’t struck me down dead by lightning by writing and posting this! So you see, blasphemy is a victimless ‘crime’. And no, I don’t hate God. You can’t hate something that doesn’t exist.

God, the Psychopathic Killer: The Tenth Plague: Part Two

God is a cold-blooded, premeditated, serial killer. The Bible says so. With respect to that tenth plague inflicted upon ancient Egypt, death to the firstborn, there’s no wriggle room here. God did not delegate; no one else did the deed; it was no one else’s idea; God and God alone must bear 100% of the responsibility for His actions and the death of up to a fifth of the entire ancient Egyptian population. To add insult to injury, others celebrate those deaths via the Passover!  

Continued from yesterday’s blog…

Point Seven: God also executed judgment against the gods of Egypt (Exodus 12:12). Sorry, but my reading of that little announcement suggests, indeed demands, that there is such a thing as the gods of Egypt, since you can’t pass judgment against something that doesn’t exist! Therefore, God, by his very act, acknowledges the reality of polytheism. Perhaps the gods of Egypt should cast judgment of the God of Israel! Would any impartial jury rule for the God of Israel, or the gods of Egypt? Methinks it’s an open and shut case. God is the murderer, not anyone else, not gods, rulers, commoners or the beasts of Egypt can or should be held accountable.

Point Eight: The mass murder of numerous Egyptian citizens is actually ‘celebrated’ by various cultures in something called the Passover. The origins of Passover reside in this ‘historical’ firstborn execution, in that God’s Chosen People, the Israelites that were in Egypt at the time, were passed over when it came to smiting the firstborn. So, for all of you out there in reader-land, if you celebrate Passover, you’re celebrating mass murder by your almighty deity.

Least there be any doubt about this, interested readers are invited to check out Exodus chapter 12 for God’s instructions leading up to verse 11 which notes the “Passover” and verse 12 which notes that God will “pass though the land of Egypt” doing His imitation of Charles Manson but sparing those who took heed of the introductory verses of Exodus 12. It’s made crystal clear shortly after, and we notice how the people then worshiped the Biblical Charles Manson. Actually that’s unfair to Charles for he didn’t come close to God’s numbers, not by a long shot. 

*Exodus 12:27 - That ye shall say, It is the sacrifice of the LORD's passover, who passed over the houses of the children of Israel in Egypt, when he smote the Egyptians, and delivered our houses. And the people bowed the head and worshipped.

Point Nine: Obviously God is very, very proud of His mass murder as the Bible (God’s word) refers to it again and again.

*Numbers 3:13 - Because all the firstborn are mine; for on the day that I smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt I hallowed unto me all the firstborn in Israel, both man and beast: mine shall they be: I am the LORD.

*Numbers 8:17 - For all the firstborn of the children of Israel are mine, both man and beast: on the day that I smote every firstborn in the land of Egypt I sanctified them for myself.

*Numbers 33:4 - For the Egyptians buried all their firstborn, which the LORD had smitten among them: upon their gods also the LORD executed judgments.

*Psalm 78:51 - And smote all the firstborn in Egypt; the chief of their strength in the tabernacles of Ham.

*Psalm 135:8 - Who smote the firstborn of Egypt, both of man and beast.

*Psalm 136:10 - To him that smote Egypt in their firstborn: for his mercy endureth for ever.

Point Ten: Note the use of the words “smote” and “mercy” in the same sentence. Wow!

Point Eleven: The tenth plague is not an isolated one-off incident. There are numerous other instances from the Bible that equally point out God as being the Jack the Ripper or Charles Manson or any other modern mass murderer, sadistic, serial killer you care to cite as that personified in the Old Testament. For example, please consult Deuteronomy 20:10-17. If all that’s not enough to convince you, there’s always Ezekiel. The following chapter and verses should convince you that the tenth plague was not an isolated incident. Ezekiel 12:20; 25:17; 28:23; 30:26; 32:15; 33:29; 35:4; and 35:9.

Point Twelve: If you in fact looked at those eight Ezekiel chapter and verses, you’ll have noted a certain phrase repeated over again and again. We note the everlasting phrase “I am the LORD”. Just to make sure you don’t forget it, that phrase is repeated 162 times in the Bible (King James Version). I personally think that’s a bit on the side of overkill. Can you imagine an American president again and again reminding Americans who is top dog and boss by thundering out “I am the PRESIDENT”! Such constant reminders might be suggestive that the utterances come from one who is really a tad insecure in the position. 

Point Thirteen: Speaking of the president, the modern relevance of this little exercise is that yet, in modern America, the 21^st Century, you have had presidential candidates (unnamed, but you know who they are), who would be happy to end the separation of church and state and who would govern from the White House according to the texts of the Bible. Governing according to the Bible would mean carrying out God’s version of foreign policy, which is, according to the Bible, something akin to a policy that tends to shoot first, shoot often, shoot to kill and don’t worry about asking all those awkward later questions as dead men tell no tales; the hell with all those later questions, full stop. The President and Commander-in-Chief would be playing the role of God and that would have to include being willing to carry out all the sort of God-performed and God-endorsed atrocities of the Old Testament, like that tenth plague. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. My reading of this is America, be afraid, be very afraid, for even if it doesn’t come to pass in 2012, there’s always 2016, or four years later, or four years after that. Sooner or later, ‘God’ in the persona of POTUS (President of the United States) will be elected. 

P.S. The closest America came to having ‘God’ in the White House was Christian fundamentalist and thrice Presidential candidate (and triple loser) William Jennings Bryan. Bryan has totally against the theory of evolution and the teaching of that theory in American schools and universities. His main claim to fame is that he was the guest prosecutor in the 1925 Scopes Trial, or the so-called Monkey Trial”. Teacher John T. Scopes was accused of teaching Darwinian evolution to his students in violation of Tennessean state law.  When Bryan himself was placed on the stand by the defence attorney, the famed Clarence Darrow, as an expert in all things Biblical, well the verdict was that Darrow made a ‘monkey’ out of Bryan. Bryan died just five days after the trial ended. Though Scopes was found guilty, the verdict was later overturned on a technicality.

Exit Stage Left, the Exodus: Part Two

Once upon a time various authors compiled a volume of pseudo historical fairy tales (minus the fairies), some chapters more pseudo than others. We call that volume of tales today The Bible. One of the most pseudo chapters IMHO is the tale told in the Biblical Book of Exodus – an interesting work of fiction, but hardly history.

Continued from yesterday’s post…

TEN COMMANDMENTS – ROUND ONE

On the road between Egypt and the Promised Land, following the parting of the waters, Moses made that requested stopover back at Mount Sinai to pick up God’s offering. As a reward for his return patronage to this mountain resort he’s given some rather heavy stone tablets – the Ten Commandments. For some reason this took forty days and nights (perhaps some confusion here with Noah?).

Now some questions arise here. How come it takes nearly six weeks to write down the Ten Commandments? God should have had the tablets already made up and ready to hand to our 80 years old pensioner. If not that, it should have been no great trouble to create them in six minutes, being an Almighty and all that. It wouldn’t have taken Superman even that long – more like six seconds for the man in the cape who wears his underwear on the outside.

In any event, if God had gotten a move on and if Moses had of hurried back down the mountain tablets in hand it would have been a good thing and saved a lot of strife because in his lengthy six week absence, his followers, the great Israelite unwashed and Hebrew rabble, got up to a lot of mischief, ultimately pissing off God and Moses too.

Apparently to wile away their ‘idle’ time, brother Aaron, watching over the flock, passed around the collection plate and gathered up all of the metals in their possession and using same, created themselves a real idol – a golden calf apparently. Now how on earth this motley crowd could do advanced metallurgy (melting and casting) in the wilderness is beyond me. Anyway, idols are a big no-no in God’s eye so that bit of mischief was a really bad move.

But let’s return for a moment back up the mountain and to those six weeks. Apparently while waiting, Moses took the opportunity to go on a diet and didn’t eat or drink for the duration. Or maybe God was a bad host. You’d of thought God might have some manna to spare or some loaves and fishes to share with Moses. God indeed is a rather poor host. Just because God doesn’t need to eat or drink – a major blunder IMHO.

Verdict: Well, let’s face the logic. The logic is that this entire scenario is 100% illogical. It just never happened. 

TEN COMMANDMENTS – ROUND TWO

Alas, in a fit of temper, Moses, upon returning to ground level and those former Israelite slaves, spotted the golden calf, that no-no idol, threw a tantrum and unfortunately broke those original rather heavy stone tables - Que instant reply here. Yes, our old aged pensioner now returns to the site on Mount Sinai, but this time having to lug up the mountain some fresh stone tablets for God’s finger to write upon. Anyway he gets a carbon copy (or photocopy) of those heavy stone tablets. This time, upon his return from the mountain top, carrying those heavy stones, he didn’t do a butterfingers and drop the dishes and so the Ten Commandments finally made its rightful way to those in need of such instructions, those Israelites, obviously a rather amoral lot since they create idols and such. Why these great amoral unwashed should be God’s chosen people is beyond me, but hey, we all love to cheer on the underdog. And slaves freed from bondage, then being chased by the Egyptian army, enduring hardships in the wilderness, are a classic case of the underdog striving to and coming out on top - at least for a little while. But the hardships weren’t over with yet, not by a long shot. Freedom was still another forty years away.   

Verdict: If the scenario surrounding the Ten Commandments, Round One has no basis in historical fact, then the sequel is a case of déjà vu all over again. No one disputes that there are Ten Commandments in the Bible, plus a whole lot of additional “thou shall” and “thou shall nots” as well. Whether or not they came from a deity or not is neither here nor there, but a good case can be made for the dos and don’ts having a less than supernatural origin. The issue here is the method of delivery.

THE BIBLICAL MOUNT SINAI

I gather we leave Mount Sinai of the Exodus behind at this point. It’s too bad some of the chosen people didn’t choose to mark the location on a map. To add insult to injury, not only are Moses and the story to date iffy, so is the location of the Mount Sinai of the Bible itself. The Biblical Mount Sinai should not to be confused with an actual Mount Sinai near Saint Catherine and Mount St. Catherine way, way to the south of the Sinai Peninsula and thus far off the beaten path leading to the Promised Land. Surely God would have positioned himself somewhere along the most direct, most logical, route between lower Egypt (northern Egypt) and the Land of Canaan (well to the northeast) and not require his chosen people to go southeast to the real Mount Sinai then backtrack northeast – that’s hundreds of miles out of their way. It would be like travelling from Chicago to Seattle via the Grand Canyon!

Modern scholars differ as to the exact geographical position of the Biblical Mount Sinai which has ranged from the Sinai Peninsula to the Negev to Saudi Arabia to Petra and beyond. A lot of the debate centers on whether or not you identify the Biblical Mount Sinai with a volcano, in that the Biblical (Exodus) version of Mount Sinai is associated with lots of smoke, fire and brimstone. In any event, no one can really identify it for certain with any specific geographical location of an elevated nature (so we can’t go and have a look-see for ourselves at that non-combustible yet ever burning bush or see where the rock was quarried by God for those original, now busted, stone tablets). So there! Tough luck! Hard cheddar! Sorry ‘bout that!

Verdict: Something is screwy somewhere!

FORTY YEARS IN THE WILDERNESS: WTF?

God’s still pretty cheesed off at his chosen people and so in yet another fit of temper (God’s constant temper tantrums really get boring after awhile) God condemns those ex-slaves to wander around the wilderness, ever to be denied the Promised Land, saving that for their kiddies (actual or eventual) instead.  If God ordered you to spend forty years wandering about aimlessly in the desert wilderness would you say “Yes, Master – whatever you command Master” or something a tad more unprintable like “#@&*#%” along with a certain jester involving the middle digit of the hand? Assuming those involved weren’t physically restrained, it hardly takes forty years to get from Egypt to the Promised Land. There seems absolutely no point to God’s instruction. He wanted his people to get to the Land of Canaan so why delay things with this punishment. God of the double standard is also God with rocks between his ears. In any event, you’d get rather sick and tired of a manna diet after forty days, far less forty years worth! I mean it’s just bread, even if honey-sweet. I’m sure any modern day nutritionist would frown on anyone undertaking a manna-only diet for forty years! Even airline food would be a massive improvement, had they had airline fare back in those days.

Verdict: forty years in the wilderness is fiction, pure fiction, without any archaeological evidence to back up anything to the contrary. Even if you only made one mile a day and headed in just one direction, say the direction of the rising Sun, you’d be out of any desert wilderness way, way, way before forty years came and went.

And by-the-by, what’s with this Biblical obsession with the number forty? Quite apart from Noah, and the examples cited above, we have our central character, Moses, who was twice forty when called upon by God to come out of retirement and thrice forty when Moses kicked the bucket.

MOSES, PART TWO

First off, there is no evidence whatever for the existence of Moses. Moses, as well as the veracity of the Exodus story in which he prominently features is disputed amongst archaeologists and those well versed with the history of ancient Egypt. You won’t find so much as one hieroglyph with his name attached. Now that’s a tad surprising. Even if Moses isn’t Egyptian public enemy number one, he’s still was on their ten most wanted list.

Now we come to the birth and discovery of baby Moses. You know the story of the floating basket and related, but it’s pure plagiarism at worst, reinventing the wheel at best. There’s nothing even remotely original about it. The original first generation tale is attributed to what happened to baby [future King] Sargon (a really real historical figure without any question), the first empire builder in the Mesopotamian region. King Sargon or Sargon the Great (2330 – 2280 BCE though the exact dates vary slightly depending on source) forged the Akkadian Empire, establishing the capital of Agade in Akkad – look it up and check it out. That King Sargon (of Akkad)  is not to be confused however with another King Sargon of a much later era who rates a mention in the Bible by the way as a king of Assyria.

That aside, Moses was already ten years past his normally allotted lifespan when God gave him his commission and marching orders to free those apparent, but unverified, Hebrew slaves. If the standard lifespan allotment is ‘three score and ten’, why pick on an old age pensioner of four score years? Maybe diplomatic talent and those able to perform parlour tricks was just a bit thin on the ground. But really, in an era without air travel or air conditioned road transport, would you pick on an 80 year old to undertake not only the initial diplomatic task but endure all that followed? Recall, with respect to the Ten Commandments, this is an 80 year old pensioner who after forty days and nights on a starvation diet, dying of thirst, is asked to carry down off a mountain two large stone tablets, something even a fighting fit 30 year old (even without the diet) would be huffing-and-puffing over.

Finally, in an ending worthy of the greatest tear-jerking Hollywood final, Moses snuffs it, kicks the bucket, at an age of six score years (120) just in sight of his goal – the Promised Land. Okay, hankies back in pocket! As I said in the beginning, they don’t write them like that anymore!

Verdict: I think Moses is a figment of Biblical imagination, a useful fictional character to fulfil the various plot scenarios the unknown author intended, much like George Orwell manufactured Winston Smith as a required central character in his novel “1984”, and Arthur Conan Doyle created Dr. Watson to help flesh out the Sherlock Holmes tales. 

CONCLUSION

The Biblical Book of Exodus is worthy of a sci-fi Hugo Award. However, as really real history, it’s not credible – in fact it’s pure bovine fertilizer. There was no ten plagues; no Moses, no Hebrew slaves, no burning bush, no old age pensioner struggling to carry down (and later up) the mountain stone tablets, no wilderness exile, in fact no Exodus – exit stage left, the Exodus.

NOW FOR SOMETHING ELSE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

Somewhat out of context here, but what I find puzzling is how a relatively minor deity, who let’s face it was a worse tyrant or despot than Attila-the-Hun, with a relatively small constituency and control or jurisdiction over a relatively small geographical area could take over many of the hearts and minds of peoples from all over the globe. From God of Israel to God of Life, the Universe and Everything is a pretty neat trick.

I think the answer, the appeal, is that previously nearly all cultures had literally thousands of deities in charge of life, the universe and everything. It’s far easier to adopt, remember the name, rituals and codes of one deity than those multi-thousands most other cultures had. Put it this way, your choice – memorise just 1 x 1, or else memorise the entire multiplication table through to say 25 x 25. It’s your choice.  

*To engage in a conversation with God via a burning bush intermediary must be one of the more inventive of the Almighty’s scenarios. Perhaps this must be some ancient variation on people who talk to their pot plants – Prince Charles is in good company.

Exit Stage Left, the Exodus: Part One

Once upon a time various authors compiled a volume of pseudo historical fairy tales (minus the fairies), some chapters more pseudo than others. We call that volume of tales today The Bible. One of the most pseudo chapters IMHO is the tale told in the Biblical Book of Exodus – an interesting work of fiction, but hardly history.

Relatively few people wouldn’t find the story relayed in the Biblical Book of the Exodus other than riveting – they don’t write stories like that anymore. Alas, anyone can put words down on paper, that doesn’t of necessity make those words true. And while our libraries and bookstores are full of books clearly identified as fiction, I’m sure none of you would believe for a minute that all of the books in the non-fiction sections contain only the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The question arises, is the Bible in general, and for the purposes of this essay the section called Exodus, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, or perhaps something less, even a lot less, that that? 

THE MAIN CHARACTERS IN EXODUS

Moses, Part One: Moses is an old age pensioner to the tune of four score years. He’s commanded by God to undertake various tasks. I’ll have more to say about his bona-fides later on, but for now I’ll just note that Moses was most certainly not the author of “Exodus” since that text was not committed to ‘paper’ until many centuries after-the-‘fact’. And there’s little doubt that the version that we know today is a copy of a copy of a copy and a translation of a translation of a translation. 

Pharaoh X: The “X”, as always stands for “unknown” because nobody has a clue exactly which Pharaoh was the Pharaoh of the Exodus. For some absolutely inexcusable reason, assuming of course we’re dealing with history and not fairy tales, the Egyptian Pharaoh part and parcel of all of this ‘history’ – Hebrew or Israelite slaves, diplomatic negations with Moses, plagues, etc. – is totally unnamed! That’s like historical texts saying some American President X committed NASA to land a man on the on the Moon and return him safely to Earth before 1970 but those historical records forget which President. The Pharaoh in question might have been Ramesses II (otherwise known as Ramesses the Great). He is considered to be by punters the odds-on favourite, but there is no documentary or archaeological evidence that Ramesses II had any involvement with any of these happenings. Besides, Ramesses II being of sound mind and ego left all sorts of historical records about him for archaeologists thousands of years later to record. Sorry, no Israelites, slaves or otherwise. Anyway, Ramesses II has five other Pharaohs in competition for the ‘honor’ of being the Pharaoh of the Exodus. Pick a card; any card.

God: The Almighty deity who works in mysterious, contradictory, illogical and unethical ways. This God is a god of Israel and the Israelites and only of Israel and her citizens.

THE MISSION GOD GIVES MOSES

God, who on a tape recorded message that was hidden behind a burning bush* up on the Mount Sinai of the Bible (God’s never actually seen) addresses Moses: “Good morning, Moses. Your mission if you choose to accept [and by God you’d better, or else] is to journey to Egypt and negotiate with Pharaoh X the release of some Hebrew slaves (the Israelites – my chosen people) and escort them to the Land of Canaan (the Promised Land). I’m sending your brother Aaron to assist you. Feel free to impress Pharaoh X with some impressive parlour tricks so he’ll know how powerful you are. Oh, by the way, on the way back stop off here again at my Mount Sinai. I have something for you. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck Moses.”

Good luck indeed for our all-knowing God knows full well Moses will get Pharaoh X’s middle finger. God knew he’d have to resort to some good old fashion smiting in order to make Pharaoh X see the error of his ways, and no doubt God relished the opportunity to keep in practice with his smiting techniques.

And so it came to pass that Pharaoh X indeed told Moses where to go and what to do to himself when he got there! So much for Plan A’s minor ‘snake and staff’ parlour tricks approach – on to Plan B and time to get serious with some really real impressive parlour tricks (with more than a little bit of help from the Almighty) – the ten plagues.

THE TEN PLAGUES

We’ve all learned about the ten plagues inflicted on Egypt and her citizens. Alas, and surprisingly, the ten plagues aren’t recorded in ancient Egyptian historical texts. Sure, ancient Egypt suffered several natural disasters, the Nile over-flooding or not flooding enough; droughts and famines, but hardly anything akin to the rapid succession of all manner of other calamities the Bible relates – blood, frogs, lice, flies, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, darkness and death to the firstborn. Historians don’t have a bar of these plague tales since there’s not the remotest shred of hardcore evidence for them. Natural explanations can easily account for these as happening over the very long term as disassociated events – I mean there’s nothing supernatural about hail, frogs, lice, flies, pestilence, locusts or alga blooms (blood). Darkness can result from solar eclipses to ash clouds from volcanic eruptions to usually overcast conditions.

As for the last plague, God directly smites the firstborn (including the firstborn of livestock for some absolutely unfathomable reason humane societies need to comment on), of all and sundry Egyptians (sparing of course the Israelites), in direct violation of his commandment “Thou shall not kill”. Wow, God of the double standard is an absolute understatement in this context.  

You’d think that if a foreign deity (to the Egyptians) had smite the Egyptians with those ten plagues (or even just the final one – the straw that broke Pharaoh X’s back) that there would have, again, been some record of it in ancient Egyptian inscriptions. No! You’d think God would have been the subject of some of those famous Egyptian revenge spells and curses, for after all they only affected the Egyptians, not the Israelites. Apparently that’s not the case.

Verdict: The ten plagues are either un-associated events widely separated in time or pure fiction. I’d opt for pure fiction due to a lack of documentation in Egypt’s historical records.

THOSE ISRAELITE OR HEBREW SLAVES

What Israelite Slaves? No such population has been recorded in Egyptian history and the ancient Egyptians kept careful records as only obsessed accountants can. However, we’ll go with the Exodus flow and note that the ten plagues finally convinced Pharaoh X to let God’s chosen people go. Well, sort of. One obvious question arises however. Since Pharaoh X was the lone obstacle, why was it necessary to take out atrocities on the ordinary Egyptian citizen totally ignorant of what was going on and why – ditto those livestock? I mean subjecting Pharaoh X to several hours of heavy metal or rap music (God would have foreseen those ‘musical’ styles coming to pass) should have done the torture trick without undue ethical consequences. Regardless, and after-the-fact, Pharaoh X changed his mind and sent out his army and army’s chariots to bring ‘em back dead or alive – well probably alive since a dead slave isn’t of any use, even to a Pharaoh. High Noon was at the Red Sea, or was that the Sea of Reeds?

Verdict: Ancient Egypt did not; repeat did not, put to work any Israelii slaves.

IS IT THE RED SEA OR THE REED SEA?

Assuming the accuracy of Exodus up to this point (which I don’t), there’s dispute about the crossing of THAT body of water by the escaping Israelites and the drowning of Pharaoh X’s pursuing army. The KJV of the Bible does indeed say “Red sea”. However scholars suggest that it was, if there has to be a ‘was’, the Reed Sea or Sea of Reeds, that marshy area part and parcel of the northeast Delta region of Egypt. 

Why the confusion for such an important, unique, even historical event? - If it happened of course. And how could it happen?

Verdict: it didn’t happen. If the ancient Egyptians had had that many of their army wiped out, there would be a bona-fide historical record of it inscribed somewhere in some manner in ancient Egyptian writings or inscriptions. And claims that the remains of Egyptian chariots have been found on the Red Sea seabed have proven to be total nonsense and pseudo-archaeology. Any bona-fide archaeologist would sell their soul to the devil for such a discovery – an army’s worth of Egyptian war chariots from that era at the bottom of the Red Sea. They’d become as famous as Howard Carter of King Tut fame or Heinrich Schliemann who found and uncovered Troy. To confirm the Exodus via physical archaeological evidence would be worthy of a Nobel Prize – if they gave one for archaeology or history of course.  

THE PARTING OF THE WATERS

But assuming this unique geographical parting of the waters event happened, perhaps a massively strong wind or an earthquake might have accomplished the task naturally, but the texts (Exodus and other Biblical references) don’t relate any such natural forces at work at the time. If there was a wind strong enough to ‘part the waters’, then it would have been strong enough to blow both the Israelites and the Egyptians to the Promised Land in one puff! Apparently Moses waved his arms about and did the hokey-pokey and the rest as they say is history. Of course mortal men cannot part the waters, so again either we have an uncited natural event; or a real God behind the scenes, waiting in the wings offstage pulling the actual strings; or yet again, an episode of pure fiction.

Verdict: pure fiction.

To be continued…